Mommy Shmommy wars

I was reading a working mom’s (WM) reaction to an article written by a SAHM (Stay at home mom). 

The SAHM said some silly annoying thing like she chooses to spend the whole day with her little darlings and her family sacrificed the 2^nd income for the sake of her family.  She subtly implied that those who do work are unwilling to make this sacrifice for their own family. The WM got terribly upset and defensive when reading this article of course.

I know I am stating the obvious here but only if you are able to afford to school, clothe and educate your kids, do you stay at home with them. If you are unable to do this on one salary, then you go out to work. Of course some people do choose to work for other reasons other than financial when they can in fact, survive on one salary. They have the luxury of choice which they exercise. These women are the kind of women who are much better mothers if they don’t spend every second with little Johnny. For these mothers, spending the whole day with their critters would be a bad choice and I am certain even the critters would eventually beg a harassed mother to go out and work and give everyone some peace. Whatever state you are in right now, there are pros and cons to all. I think we get so defensive because we are all a little insecure about our mothering and we play the competition game whether we like it or not. I know staying at home with one’s kids is first prize for most and it is a real privilege. I do not take it for granted and every time I drive past the after care at 5.00pm and see the kids waiting there, I say a silent prayer of thanks and think loving thought about my husband.  BUT, it isn’t all honey and roses and there are obvious disadvantages to being at home. It can be mind numbingly boring! One loses ones independence. I have become largely unemployable which is a scary feeling. I don’t have my own money. It is tighter on one income. We don’t get to look as gorg as the working girls. We also feel a little inferior no matter how much we justify our importance in society. Those ‘so what do YOU do’ questions at dinner parties make us squirm. This is probably why some SAHM’s try and put down the WM’s. They are a little jealous! And now, the WM’s. I know it’s tough to have to leave your kids the whole day and do 2 jobs. BUT, I know it isn’t all bad. Come on, admit it is sometimes AMAZING to leave your irritating, messy, demanding kids and put on your heels and go off to work. It is great to have your independence, your own money, your self respect and sense of worth. I know his because I did it for 6 years.

I have been a WM, a SAHM and a WAHM. (Work at home mom) Aren’t these acronyms so naff! Anyway, at all these different stages of my life I mothered the best I knew how with what time, energy, money and knowledge I had available. 

I worked from the time Daniel was 3 months old until he was nearly 6. Some of the time I hated it and lots of the time I loved it. My first job was a waitressing job and I remember having to hold my arm stiffly over my chest as I felt that let down reflex whenever I thought about my sweet baby boy. I always wore black tops so wouldn’t have that big milky stain on my top. I used to express bottles of milk and leave it in the bar fridge and all the young servers would be SO grossed out.

I then managed a restaurant for years so I could work night shift and spend the whole day with him. Later I had an office job and he would have to go to day care from 8 to 5. Sure I felt guilty sometimes but he was happy and loved and secure and I was a great mom to him. We had a wonderful time driving to work in the mornings and chatting all the way home. Our weekends were brilliant because I treasured the time I had with him. I also loved dropping him off at school in my spunky little outfits and glossy lips. I confess I looked down a little at the tracky bottomed, mussy haired, bare faced SAHM’s and did not feel jealous at all. Victim mentalities are for victims and I certainly didn’t feel like one.

So my whole long story comes down to this, enjoy being a mom to your kids and know you are doing the best job you know how with what you have available. Don’t be so defensive about what you do and what you don’t. Don’t even waste the time justifying it to anyone at all. If a million mommies stood in a line, your kids would still choose you!

Comments

[Lauryan]

EXCELLENT Post!!

And it's so true... at the end of the day you gotta do what you gotta do....

My MIL has a magnet on her fridge that says, "If momma ain't happy, then ain't no-one happy!" and that's just the way life is! Being a SAHM/WAHM is hard. Sometimes I think it's harder. I find it so easy to talk to a room full of strangers, oozing confidence and feeling great/sexy/needed. I can sell ice to eskimo's. But trying to get a 9-month old to eat nicely, or to convince him that he DOES know how to crawl and would love it if he just tried it once, or picking up that little toy for what seems like the 11-millionth time.. there is no way you can feel sexy or remotely beautiful even with butternut on your clothes, yoghurt in your hair and drool all over everything else. There is no awesome "job satisfaction" in cleaning the puke off the newly-professionally cleaned carpets.

And when you try and work in amongst all this, sometimes I think it would be GREAT to be able to wave bye bye to my angel and head off to deal with adults, who will at least answer you in intelligible words (most of the time).

Anyways - my point is this - no matter what your accronym is, you are a Mom. And you are a Woman! We are not here to compete with each other - we should cheer each other on! As members of the same club, we should be each others biggest supporters!

Now that I've had my say - I'm off to do some invoicing before Baby wakes up from his morning nap :p

[Elaine]

Great post and so very true!!!

[Jane]

Agreed GREAT post :))

I often wish I didn't work, but know I am not SAHM material either. I'd like a nice middle ground option :)

[liz]

Brilliant post, Mel!

I have had this discussion with a number of my college girlfriends -- we vary from not married/no kids to married/no kids to married/with kids to divorced/with kids (that's me!). We all have very different feelings about working and kids and moms but we have all vowed to respect what the others decide to do with their own lives.

One of the huge problems, in my opinion, is how judgemental women are of other women. Why can't we just cut it out and support one another!?!

I am preparing to go back to work as a result of my divorce -- I had always planned on being a SAHM. It will be interesting to see how my relationships change with my friends who are SAHM. I hope they won't, but I know the reality of the situation...

[angel]

marvellous post mel- especially since you've BTDT*!
i'm a single mom with one income by choice, so i have to work to pay rent and school fees and buy groceries and such... but truly- i dunno if damien and i could be around each other 24 hours a day- we're very close as it is and without our time apart i think we'd go bananas!

*another naff acronym for you: "been there done that"

[SAHMmy Says]

Great article! And I suspect you're referencing my Mommy Wars post :) Yes, it was from a (mostly) Devil's Advocate point of view, but I've gotta say, the comment frenzy was FUN!