So tomorrow is my mother's 1st chemo session, how surreal it is to type these words. Half the time we are are expressing our disbelief that this is all happening. I feel really disconnected from God at the moment. Not angry, just not close to Him. He clearly doesn't have the same view on suffering that we do, I guess our lives on earth are so quick compared to eternity that He looks at the end result of the trials of life more than the trial itself. His ways aren't ours, now there's an understatement if their ever was one. I am so glad He stays faithful even when we are faithless, He stays strong when we are weak and we can doubt all we like, He just is.
So God, I know I haven't been talking to you much lately. You gave me this fabulous mom and you know how much I love her. I need her longer please, another 30 years at least. You get to have her after that, ok! This chemo is going to suck and I need you to do a few things for us please:
Hold her hand and do not leave her side, you said you never sleep.
Give her peace and freedom from anxiety, you said we could find perfect shalom peace in you.
Help her when her bones start to ache, you said your yoke is easy and your burden is light, swap out with her please.
Let her feel you there in such a tangible way, Holy Spirit do your thing. (This for my Dad too even though he might not even believe you to be real.) You said we have no idea how much you love us, show them.
Give the doctors and nurses wisdom and compassion, you said if we ask for anything according to your will, it is done.
Help her feel beautiful like she really is and not get freaked about the hair loss. Beauty is in the eye of the beholder and we hold her so lovely.
Help us to be there for her, give us strength, comfort, guidance, discernment and empathy.
God if there are still cancer cells floating around in her body, then let this chemo zap them, destroy them, obliterate them. Restore her health oh God, Jesus you are Jehovah Rapha and I ask all of this in your name. Please.
I do love you, I know my head is spinning crazy, I wish I wasn't tossed around like this, that I was more solid. It isn't that I don't trust you or believe you, it just that this is my mom we are talking about. My mom and my kids, those are the ones I love the most, my inside out people.
I will meet you at the backline again tomorrow morning at 6.30 and we can talk in between sets, see you in the surf. Amen. xxx

