Doula Mel

Let us pray

So tomorrow is my mother's 1st chemo session, how surreal it is to type these words.   Half the time we are are expressing our disbelief that this is all happening.   I feel really disconnected from God at the moment.  Not angry, just not close to Him.  He clearly doesn't have the same view on suffering that we do, I guess our lives on earth are so quick compared to eternity that He looks at the end result of the trials of life more than the trial itself.   His ways aren't ours, now there's an understatement if their ever was one.   I am so glad He stays faithful even when we are faithless, He stays strong when we are weak and we can doubt all we like, He just is.
So God, I know I haven't been talking to you much lately.   You gave me this fabulous mom and you know how much I love her.   I need her longer please, another 30 years at least.  You get to have her after that, ok!    This chemo is going to suck and I need you to do a few things for us please:
Hold her hand and do not leave her side, you said you never sleep.
Give her peace and freedom from anxiety, you said we could find perfect shalom peace in you.
Help her when her bones start to ache, you said your yoke is easy and your burden is light, swap out with her please.
Let her feel you there in such a tangible way, Holy Spirit do your thing.  (This for my Dad too even though he might not even believe you to be real.)  You said we have no idea how much you love us, show them.
Give the doctors and nurses wisdom and compassion, you said if we ask for anything according to your will, it is done.
Help her feel beautiful like she really is and not get freaked about the hair loss.  Beauty is in the eye of the beholder and we hold her so lovely.
Help us to be there for her, give us strength, comfort, guidance, discernment and empathy.
God if there are still cancer cells floating around in her body, then let this chemo zap them, destroy them, obliterate them.  Restore her health oh God, Jesus you are Jehovah Rapha and I ask all of this in your name.   Please.
I do love you, I know my head is spinning crazy, I wish I wasn't tossed around like this, that I was more solid.  It isn't that I don't trust you or believe you, it just that this is my mom we are talking about.   My mom and my kids, those are the ones I love the most, my inside out people.
I will meet you at the backline again tomorrow morning at 6.30 and we can talk in between sets, see you in the surf.  Amen. xxx

Put it on your to-do list

If any of you ever come to Cape Town, apart from staying over at my house and going on a BB hospital visit, you just HAVE to do the Waterfront for a day.   It has such an awesome atmosphere, loads of funky shops, every kind of restaurant and coffee shop imaginable and just such a fun place to visit.   The background of our mountain and the boats in the harbour are just the cherry on top.  We had our boat cruise, the girls rode the carousal, Daniel went in the big bubble (think a hamster in a bubble on water) and we all rode the huge ferris wheel. They used their voucher to choose their Build-a-Bear outfit (took an hour to choose!) and then we had lunch.   The place is packed full of tourists which I actually don't mind as I enjoy the holiday feeling and hearing the different languages.   You non-locals are really lucky with your currency and a day out for you will cost you peanuts compared to what we have to pay.  
Pic on RHS is Daniel having a blast, LHS is Becks doing her 'look mom no hands' on the top of the ferris wheel.   Bottom pic is Fifi on the boat and other one of Daniel is on the boat trip with the Waterfront shopping  center in background.
  

Playing tourist today

Firstly, apologies for my absence yesterday.  I was in a pretty weird headspace yesterday and didn't want to subject you to my negativity and rather dark thoughts.   Sometimes I wish I had a second blog, one where I could get as dark and crazy and just be as raw and honest as I want to be.   I would not have to consider hurting or offending anyone as they would not be reading it.    I wouldn't worry about the opinions of other clappers, donors, friends or family.   I feel as a Christian, as one of His, I want to show you the Him in me.  Unfortunately the me in me is not as pretty and sometimes I want to reveal it, warts and all.  I want to swear and cuss and rant and rave.   I want to doubt and fear and wrestle.  I want to fight and bitch and moan.  I want to be obnoxious, selfish, irrational and scary.   The irony is, God knows anyway, this psycho side of me, He knows.   
But back to perky Pollyanna me, la la laaaaah!    (Fake it till you make it!)   I am going to play tourist today, we are off to the Waterfront for a boat ride.   We will mingle with the thousands and feed seagulls and eat ice-cream and enjoy being splashed by errant waves as we ride around the harbour, OUR harbour.  I feel very proud of my city and love playing tourist occasionally.    We will eat fish and chips and drink cokes and window shop.   The girls will be browsing in the Build-a-Bear shop with their Christmas vouchers burning a hole in their little pockets.  They love their gift and I am glad we waited till Christmas to choose them.  They are sinfully expensive with the accessories and clothing being way overpriced but they are just so darn cute!
PS, Thanks for all the good wishes via texts and mail, thanks for understanding not getting any back.  Also know I am not being two-faced here with perky me and 'not so much' perky me, I know we all have 2 sides to us and certain hormones situations exacerbate the scary side.    xxx

Anyone seen our HO?

It is Christmas Day and I just can't find my Ho.  I gave myself a good talking to about how blessed I am and how much I have in my life and how revolting self-pity is.   I was even stern:  Melanie, self pity is a selfish self absorbed pathetic emotion that is totally ungodly and a really crap present to give to Jesus on His birthday.  Think of all you have and snap out of it you Loser!
Right, I was fine, sheepish even.  I was determined to make the most of everything but then yesterday my pep talk when out the window and I just wasn't feeling Ho Ho Ho.   I very stupidly left my 'shopping-for-Gary's gift' task till the 24th as I had my girls with me 24/7.   Daniel has been so incredibly sick we went back to the doc and almost to hospital to be put on a drip.  I have cursed myself  for not doing the MMR, mumps is BAD, do the vaccination!   We have not been able to see anyone including my mom or go anywhere, just housebound!    Anyhoo, that's why I shopped on the 24th and the shops were obviously MANIC.    I walked round and round Woolies trying to find food I could turn into a roast and eventually phoned Gary close to tears saying I can't cook that kind of food plus most is pork.   (Jewish anti pig genes emerging)   I asked if we could do a picnic instead and he said it was the company and not the food so he was easy.  Isn't it grand when our menfolk get it right, when they say the RIGHT thing.  Lovely!
Then I went to the Mall and took half hour to park and wanted to cry again.  I found the shirt I was looking for and on the way back decided I would give back and donate blood.  I wait, I fill out the long form, I can't donate because I have been at the dentist 24 hours prior.   Swallow, swallow, don't cry.
This morning was good, we opened gifts, I went to the hospital for our visit and kissed Christmas babies (all boys like pic on the left in special Christmas crib) and then went to church.   Came home and tidied up, fought with Sofia, spanked her cheeky chubby bottom and swallowed some more.  Gary obviously had a little chat to her as things improved a little.   Our picnic was yummy, I have lovely gifts, my kids love their build-a-bears and I have too many blessing to count, I MUST find that damn Ho.   I am stopping now before you all hate me, and yes, I am taking the femolin but I guess its just not enough today.    Merry Christmas to you and yours, extra love to Nina in Korea, Paulie in London, Linda in the US, Dawnielle in California, Tess in Honk Kong, Jeanne in the UK and Pippa in New Zealand.

How do you girls do it?

As you know people who live in SA have domestic help.  We get loads of flak from people who feel we exploit the poverty of our country and use people for menial labour.  People here have someone to do the garden, the pool, the housework and often take care of the kids.  Some people have 2 domestic workers, even 3, some just have someone once a week or twice but we all have help.
I do feel guilty sometimes, knowing the person who works for me is literally doing my 'dirty work' and lives in circumstances way different to mine.    But, we always have a but, I know it is one less person out there with no job, no money and no future.   
We have fixed up her house, helped her manage her finances, buy large items for her when needed and get her to pay me off instead of ridiculous interest at the store.  She gets way more than minimum wage (yes still crap compared to the average SA income) and I know she is pretty taken care of.
Every December she goes up to visit her family and I have no help for 3 weeks.  Every year I think, how do you girls run your home, your kids and even a job for some of you.  How on earth?  
My US friend Helen was amazed that she ever managed to run her home back in the US on her own.   When she returned she was pretty nervy about having to do it with no help again and be a mama to her 6 kids.   It takes me ages and I keep on half doing stuff because I have so much to do.  Its 12.17 now and I haven't brushed kid's teeth yet and my house is still not tidy.  I did spend a good 2 hours sorting and packing BB stuff but still, imagine if I worked.
Prioritize right?   OK, so number 1 would be:   Get off the computer you Dork!   Right, number 2, brush teeth, hygiene is NB!   Number 3.... mmmh, I know, get the girls dressed and take the movies back!  
Ta dah.... I will do the girls rooms later, I did make my bed and even changed linen, did laundry, sort of cleaned my kitchen and fed my kids.  
Here is a pic of Fifi my trusty assistant.   Once she saw me with the camera she did her pose she always does. A little sassy for my liking but that's my Fifi, way too spunky for my her own good! 
 

Reaping the benefits of my 2 year age gap

Daniel and Rebeka are six years apart, the girls 2 years and 1 week.  I had planned on having a little brother for him with a perfect 2 year gap but we all know life is what happens while you are making other plans.   My 1st 2 don't play together, the age gap and gender difference means they operate on 2 different planets.   The personalities don't help much either and I guess I will just cling onto the hope that as adults, they could be great friends.  
After Rebeka I was determined to have a 3RD close in age to her so I wouldn't have 2 kids growing up alone.  Gary took loads of convincing but eventually we agreed and the 3RD baby was made.    All along the pregnancy, I thought boy and when I had a girl, a sister for Rebeks, I was beyond thrilled.

I have such a clear memory of sitting on the beach when Rebeka was a toddler and Sofia a teeny babe.  They were hard work and I was watching 2 sisters play and jump and shriek in the waves thinking how very cool it looked.    I couldn't wait for them to start playing together and become real little friends.  Somewhere along the way it has happened and last week as I sat on my towel (blissfully alone) watching my 2 hot little blondies playing in the waves, I remembered that day in Hermanus and I felt ridiculously lucky.
It says in literature go for a 1 year gap (when they do even get time to shag???) or else 3 years as 2 years is too tough on the older child.  It was tough on her initially, on both of us but when I see how they play, they do concerts, draw and colour and play barbies and swim and go horse riding and laugh and even how they fight, I think the early short tough time is just so worth it.  

PS, I know for infertiles it is painful and frustrating and just damn 'pissing offing' to read how people can decide they want a baby, do it, get preg and then just have the baby 9 months later.   I am always aware when I write about any conception or baby related stuff and I just want to say that I never take it for granted or feel entitled to it.  I know I am extremely lucky and for many, it is just so frikkin' hard.  I really do feel for you.  Much. xxx

The 'C' that stole Christmas

I have 2 C words I just cannot say.  One is the word that rhymes with hunt, a really disgusting word that will never come from my mouth.   (I have to admit to saying the Afrikaans P version on the very odd occasion but purely in a joking manner)   My other C word, is the big C.   Rhymes with..... mmmh, doesn't rhyme with anything in the SA pronunciation but lets say 'dancer' in a US twang.
A C word I absolutely DO love, is Christmas.  Take someone who is a) sentimental, b) loves her extended family, c) has gifts as her love language, d) is a major Jesus freak and e) loves surprises, and you will understand why it is such a special time of year for me. 
This Christmas is completely screwed.  The 1st chemo session is scheduled for December 30th so that is a major.  Sister Nina and her sweet family are doing London this year (she is the sister who is in charge of the cooking) and brother Paul & his wife Martina were down for my mom's 60th on the 22nd of November which feels like a lifetime ago.   We had decided on a very low key Christmas at my house, my fam, Tertia's fam and my folks.   Cooking done by Woolworths with the odd dish I can do along with my Dad's turkey.   Now with Daniel so sick with the mumps, I don't want to expose my mom to any infections plus with Max growing in Tertia's belly, can't do that either.   So, the Novitzkas fam will be flying solo this Christmas.  Now that I am over my disappointment I am OK and intend making it really special.  Poor Daniel thinks it is all his fault, well actually mine too as he is blaming me for not doing the MMR.   Sucks a little having a kid who can google his own illness and can legitimately point a finger at his primary caregiver aka darling mother.  Oh well, I a sure I will be kakked out for many things I did and didn't so one day so only experiencing low level guilt and my typical minimal sympathy.

My very worse Christmas was when I lived in Pretoria with Daniel and had a very abusive mean alcoholic difficult friend that I spent Christmas with.  I had no other friends or family there and we landed up at Nandos in Centurion, pathetic hey!  What was your most 'suckest' Christmas?  

Hammy boy

Poor Daniel, he looks like a hamster and is cursing me for not giving him the MMR.   His face is huge, this pic doesn't do it justice.  He can't eat, sleep properly and worse thing of all, he doesn't even get to miss any school but wastes precious holiday days on the couch.   His sister is driving me him crazy and he has asked if we cannot give her up for adoption.    I mentioned no one is going to take a 4 year old who is rude, whiney, demanding, impatient, doesn't sleep in her own bed and will be recieiving NO Christmas gifts at the rate she is going.    Check this funky pic of her wearing Nodolly's affro wig.  Gross I know but she claimed not to care and wasn't relating to sweaty head germ phobia at all.

Down in the Mumps

Daniel has mumps.   Fortunately with his young age it means his balls are all intact and my grandkids are not under threat.   Rebeka has had her MMR but not Fifi.   I never had peace with doing Sofia's and I delayed it till way later.  Eventually when I decided to do it something would come up.... she was ill, the clinic was closed, the nurse off duty.  It became quite weird and I decided that the man upstairs was sending me some pretty strong messages and we skipped it.  I know we will have to do the Rubella and in fact I think we have already but if she gets mumps now, then its totally OK.
I could never quite shake that MMR-autism niggle.  What do you girls think?   No way at all or a little fire lurking under all that smoke.   Hard being a mum hey, we want to do our best and protect them as much as we can.   The doc told Daniel he needs to eat sour worms, he is naturally delighted at this medication and we stopped at the SPAR en route to the pharmacy.

And me, still feeling rough.  I went for a surf this morning and took advantage of all that water, salt and wind to shed a few tears.   Because it was a lesson I could not have a good 'snot and trane' session and I think keeping it all in has given me a big headache.   (I had to speak briefly at a function today so couldn't even bawl then!)   At some point I need to forget about feeling brave and logical and matter of fact and have that good cry and rant and rave.  I am not the dramatic type, I keep things in till eventually the wheels come off.  My dream last night... we are at a picnic swimming in the river.  I look up and Sofia has slipped under the water.  I panic and try and find her but the water is so murky and she is drowning.   Eventually I grab her but her feet are trapped under heavy river rocks and I struggle to pull her up out of the water.  I wake up exhausted.   Sucks!

Inside out

That is how I feel, inside out.  It is the only way I can explain it.  When all your inside vulnerable bits are exposed and you are unprotected.  I have felt like this few times, when something is so painful for me I cannot contain it within myself and it seems to spill over.   For those old friends, you will remember when Sofia started stuttering.  Actually I can't even remember if I had my blog already and I might have asked for advice on my sister's blog?  We were terrified and our reaction was based on my mother's stutter and the painful handicap she has always had to endure because of it.   Fortunately God intervened there and no stutter remains.   Thank you!

Then on the 5th of January this year my friend's little daughter Mia drowned.   It was and remains, incredibly painful for us as a church family.    Some days I wake up and I just know her mother is having a very tough day.  I feel the holy spirit and that connection and all what I can do is text her saying.. I am thinking about you and pray for her.   I know they feel inside out most of the time and I have told her I so wish I could take a day for her, give her a break from all this wild and crazy grief and give her a day of lightness.   Life is super scary sometimes, the capacity for loss and heartache too terrifying to contemplate.   In the early days I used to believe becoming a Christian meant I was safe from all that.  How foolish and naive I was, God uses pain and sorrow all the time to connect with us, grow us, teach us and shape us.  His interest and focus is largely on the eternal and ensuring we spend it with Him.  

Why am I like this when I hear everything is fine?    I dream... I am making my mother's bed.  My father has died 2 weeks prior and I need to have it ready for her new boyfriend.  I am devastated at her moving on so quickly and by losing him.   ???    Yes my Clappers, I know what I need to do, get off this computer and go and spend time with Him so I can cover all this rawness and be safe.

Psalm 94 vs 18 & 19 
When I said " my foot is slipping," your love, O Lord, supported me.   When anxiety was great within me, your consolation brought joy to my soul.