Just when I have life all figured out it throws me another curve-ball. I have these plans and visions and goals and then I re-adjust them as need be. When I had the whole disaster of the drama last year with subsequent semi- breakdown all I knew to be true was not. My foundation and identity had to be re-built again and took me a while to get back on my feet/horse.
As you know I just couldn't handle the anti-deps but unfortunately the log term effect of too much cortisol and adrenalin and not enough serotonin has made my nervous system so screwy and my back is paying the price. I have on and off backache forever but the past 3 years have resulted in too many ons and not enough offs. The past 6 to 8 months have causes real deterioration and I now sit with chronic back pain and no offs. Its debilitating and depressing and really scary.
On a bad day I feel afraid that I can't handle it. I can't be this sore for my whole long life I have all planned out. I am going to have a beach house one day and go for walks with my Jack Russel. I am that fit and funky granny doing Jumpy Mel poses all over the world when I travel. I have accepted that people die and relationships end and nothing is cast in stone. I was OK because I would be healthy and I would have the beach. Now I feel afraid I will just get worse and stiff and small and not be strong and capable.
So what am I doing about it? Well I did finally have that MRI which revealed long term damage from Scheuermanns disease that I had as a teen. I can clearly see the damage on the screen. I also have a degenerated disc in my lower spine which causes all the lower backache and sore hip plus typical arthritic stiffness and pain in the morning. My neuro was not encouraging and made me want to cry. He told me I am unrealistic in my expectation to be pain free and I need to learn to live with it and exercise through the pain. I REFUSE. NOT, no frikking way am I living like this. He gave me a script for meds that make me feel drunk and out of it. On Tuesday I went into hospital for an epidural block which hasn't worked yet. My BP dropped to 82/55 and took ages to stabilise again so they put me on a drip. I then had an allergic reaction to the cortisone the following day and was insanely itchy. I suck at taking meds.
My word from God is what I hang on for now. Abundance. I am going to be pain free. I accept episodes of pain sometimes but certainly not daily. I have found a great physio who is very thourough and is going to teach me some therapy to do in the pool. I am still doing my once weekly rehab pilates and will increase to 2 when I am a little better. I will do the occasional Bowin's therapy. I will stretch every day and walk and swim too. I am also going to the Rheumatoid guy on the 23rd of March. I will see whoever and do whatever. I will continue to pray and trust and nag God till I drive Him batty and he glances my way and restores my spine in a second. One of my BF's is going to Bethel in CA tomorrow for a conference. They have had amazing testimonies of healing so she is going to stand proxy for me and God will do His thing. Come on Jesus! I would be so ridiculously stoked to be out of pain. Trying to study and work and mother while being this sore is hard and I know I can do ALL things through Christ who strengthens me but please!!!! Yay and Amen!