Doula Mel

It's a Boy!

Two days ago a little boy was born who happens to be my first little one in my job as surrogacy co-ordinator.  I started last Feb and it has been up and down like most jobs are.  Its frustrating trying to work within the new law which states surrogates cannot be paid anymore.  We cannot get paid either and The Surrogacy Advisory Group is funded by Nurture as their give back.

Surrogates are very very rare and we are super fussy.  Their can be no compromise when it comes to have someone else carry your baby.  Once we have eventually found the surro its the the long process of psyche assessments and medicals and high court applications.  Then its drugs and more drugs to get everyones cycle on track and then finally IVF.   After all the time and expense and huge hopes it doesn't always work the first time and I get far too personally involved.   Most of these couple have dealt with enormous loss and heartache and expense and emotional highs and lows.  I just so want them to be parents and they so deserve to be. 

This little boy is super special to me as are all the tiny people  whose parents I get to match & introduce to the angel who grows them in their tummy.  I pray for all my mom-dad couples, my singles, my gay guys, my surrogates and then finally the prize...the baby who ties us all together.   I cannot imagine what it must be like for Tertia and her BF and partner Mel who have had over a hundred babies born through the work of Nurture and many more because of her book.  To be a tiny part of something so magical is so special.  I am a lucky lady!

 

Brief Snippets

The Bod: Is OK.  Wish I could say no pain but that would not be true.  I did have a facet block on Monday so hoping will be more successful than the epidural block.   I feel like I am about to get sick as my throat is sore and I feel fragile but I think its the culmination of too much stress and not enough rest etc.  

The Critters:  Are all good.  School is better for Sofia this year although we still have daily tummy aches.  She is very average at school which I know I should be grateful for but I obviously would like her to find her groove.   Rebeka is cooking as always and stays Madame Nerdy-pants.  Daniel doing good too although getting him to take his Concerta stays a mission.  He is under dosed at only 36mg (he weights 57kg) but its our compromise and at least he eats on the lower dose so doesn't get too skinny.

Studies:   Very demanding but challenging and exciting.  I am tottaly into it now and have mapped out my subjects for the next 6 years.  I write 3 exams in May and 5 in October/November.  I am hoping to have at least a month where I have finished all the work and just revise.

Work:   The very first surrogate baby since I have started this job last Feb, will be born in April.  I can't wait!   We've had a few losses and disappointments but otherwise the other couples I am busy with are all well on their way to getting to the exiting bit of the actual IVF.   My 2nd surro baby is now 1cm and will be born before Christmas.  Her/his Daddy is super excited and will be a brilliant parent.   I am still far too emotionally involved in every case and just as devastated with a neg result as the parents are.   The plus...I am just as excited too with a positive preggie test!

Gary:   Is good.  Going to gym and working out and looking hot.   We need to have some down time but we are going away the end of the month so hope to connect a little there.  Life is busy!

Fogles:   Are driving around Southern Africa in my dad's new camper van having a great time. Its a 6 weeks trip and they are going to really beautiful places with amazing wildlife and natural African bush beauty.  

Otherwise all fine.  I know I need to try and find some time-out time and I plan to take myself away at the end of April when Gary is back from Vegas.   Alone!  Two years ago I went off to Hermanus to get my heart and head right again after we called off the baby plans and it helped.   Sleeping, eating, praying, walking on the beach and journalling are my recipe for re grouping and getting back on track.

Here's a pic of Sofia swimming her last relay gala yesterday which had 6 schools involved.  I am glad swimming season is over and will enjoy a brief respite before hockey starts.

PS  We tied 2nd with SH.  I hate losing.  I am just not going to pretend otherwise.  Losing sucks!    

Krokkie Bokkie

Just when I have life all figured out it throws me another curve-ball.   I have these plans and visions and goals and then I re-adjust them as need be.   When I had the whole disaster of the drama last year with subsequent semi- breakdown all I knew to be true was not.   My foundation and identity had to be re-built again and took me a while to get back on my feet/horse.

As you know I just couldn't handle the anti-deps but unfortunately the log term effect of too much cortisol and adrenalin and not enough serotonin has made my nervous system so screwy and my back is paying the price.   I have on and off backache forever but the past 3 years have resulted in too many ons and not enough offs.  The past 6 to 8 months have causes real deterioration and I now sit with chronic back pain and no offs.  Its debilitating and depressing and really scary.

On a bad day I feel afraid that I can't handle it.  I can't be this sore for my whole long life I have all planned out.  I am going to have a beach house one day and go for walks with my Jack Russel.  I am that fit and funky granny doing Jumpy Mel poses all over the world when I travel.  I have accepted that people die and relationships end and nothing is cast in stone.  I was OK because I would be healthy and I would have the beach.   Now I feel afraid I will just get worse and stiff and small and not be strong and capable.  

So what am I doing about it?  Well I did finally have that MRI which revealed long term damage from Scheuermanns disease that I had as a teen.  I can clearly see the damage on the screen.  I also have a degenerated disc in my lower spine which causes all the lower backache and sore hip plus typical arthritic stiffness and pain in the morning.   My neuro was not encouraging and made me want to cry.  He told me I am unrealistic in my expectation to be pain free and I need to learn to live with it and exercise through the pain.  I REFUSE.   NOT, no frikking way am I living like this.  He gave me a script for meds that make me feel drunk and out of it.  On Tuesday I went into hospital for an epidural block which hasn't worked yet.  My BP dropped to 82/55 and took ages to stabilise again so they put me on a drip.  I then had an allergic reaction to the cortisone the following day and was insanely itchy.  I suck at taking meds. 

My word from God is what I hang on for now.  Abundance.  I am going to be pain free.  I accept episodes of pain sometimes but certainly not daily.  I have found a great physio who is very thourough and is going to teach me some therapy to do in the pool.  I am still doing my once weekly rehab pilates and will increase to 2 when I am a little better.  I will do the occasional Bowin's therapy.  I will stretch every day and walk and swim too.  I am also going to the Rheumatoid guy on the 23rd of March.  I will see whoever and do whatever.  I will continue to pray and trust and nag God till I drive Him batty and he glances my way and restores my spine in a second.  One of my BF's is going to Bethel in CA tomorrow for a conference.   They have had amazing testimonies of healing so she is going to stand proxy for me and God will do His thing.  Come on Jesus!   I would be so ridiculously stoked to be out of pain.  Trying to study and work and mother while being this sore is hard and I know I can do ALL things through Christ who strengthens me but please!!!!   Yay and Amen!

Posted at 08:51 AM | Permalink | Comments (9) | TrackBack (0)

What a bad blogger I have become.  I can’t believe I used to blog almost every day and had a good daily following too back in the day.  We had some good as well as heated debates back then.    The older I get the busier I seem to get.  They say clichés are life’s little truths and many are.  Life begins at 40 has been very true for me.  I do feel a renewed sense of purpose and energy and confidence. 

My studying is both hectic and challenging and interesting.   It seems it leaves me very little time for anything else though.  I keep on telling myself to focus on 1 semester at a time but the 5 to 6 year time block keeps on yapping at my heals.    To have this pressure and keep up this discipline for so long is pretty scary.  Do I really want to sit at my desk every day?    

Yes, yes, I will finish this year and then re-look at things and hopefully be in the total swing of things so quite ready to do the next year.   At least I will have 2 months off at the end of the year and appreciate the time like never before.  This time around I will start studying on the 3^rd of January though and not take so long to start.  The one thing, apart from socialising, to go, will have to be my Tuesday morning bible study.  I know God has to be first and I have to make time for Him.  I also know when I get slack and feel that distance which is kind of where I am at right now.   I have decided to get a DVD series and watch with Gary once a week.   Claire said I can use her Louis Gilglio 4 week one which is pretty cool.  Anyone else know of another good series we can watch together? One with not too much homework though!  

The cool God thing of studying is a renewed appreciation for how brilliant I am and how brilliant He is.  I am brilliant, fabulous, amazing and miraculous.   Seriously!  You too.   The way He designed the human brain and nervous system is mind blowing.    I keep on repeating the scripture…I praise you for I am fearfully and wonderfully made.

But anyway, I have to hit the books, its 9.29am already.  At least I have done my exercise, done all my work and only collect Sofia at 1.00.   I promise to update once a week at least so don’t leave me forever.   Have a wonderful week everyone. x    

So I've done it.  I have literally put my money where my mouth is and started studying my BA Social Work.  It's a good thing I had paid for my subjects as the initial bit of trying to figure UNISA out was so damn frustrating I almost quit.  

My Social Work degree is a minimum 5 year project and pretty daunting.  I am not always great at following these grand plans I have.  Case in point:   Doula practise, Sewing course and all those clothes I was going to sew.  I do finish the course and initially am all enthusiastic and then I move onto the next thing.  The prob with my studies is its very long.  I will be 45/46 when I graduate!    

I was told UNISA would drive me somewhat mental and people did not lie.  I wanted to cry, swear, punch my laptop with frustration.   At least next semester will be easier as I will have figured out what to do.  My patient friend in the computer Michelle is also studying social work so fortunately could help me out.  Next time I will see a student counsellor before I choose my subsequent subjects.  So far I am doing Basic Psychology, Psychology in Society, Anthropology and then Social Welfare Policy which I added at the last minute.  I have under estimated the time it will take to study  but I have worked out a programme with my exercise (non negotiable) and my work and my studies.  The afternoons are totally dedicated to kids and the crazy extra murals and homework etc.   Unfortunately very little time for friends or leisure but I am pretty strict about Sundays being Sabbath and for friends and family and chilling.

As for the actual studying, cool!   I have only really got into Anthro which us right up my ally.  We tend to be so judgemental and disapproving of people different to us but we haven't taken the time to understand them and why they do what they do.  I love the philosophy of being curious and compassionate about other people and  not insisting your way is the only way or superior.  When I get over whelmed at the thought of 5 years I have to remind myself one semester at a time.   I do hope I can continue with it and don't give up.  When/if I finally finish their are so many amazing career opportunities for me and my youngest will have just finished junior school so I will be ready.

When I want to quit remind me that I am doing this for my own personal growth, I am doing this to learn, I can do all things with God who strengthens me, I can do this and push through, I am dong this with the possibility of a fulfilling career and I am doing what I should have done 22 years ago when I was told to study social work.  Go me go!

A friend put this on FB.  What a baby I am, probably about 17?   I cannot imagine this girl studying what I am doing now so I guess the time is now and wasn't meant to be way back when.

Tertia's BF is Mel who is also her business partner.  She is commonly known as friend Mel while I am sister Mel.  We are both 40 and both were known for our great loves in the past.  I loved children and babies and being a mother and Mel loved animals especially her dogs.  Sister Mel did not love dogs and certainly didn't want one.  Friend Mel did not love babies and certainly didn't want one.

Somehow we hit late thirties and had a change of heart and now friend Mel is mom to Eden and sister Mel me is now mom to dogs Lucy and Zara.   We have both been converted and are quite fanatical in our new beliefs and have now moved over to the other side.  I LOVE dogs and I am crazy about mine.  Mellie loves babies and is crazy about her gorgeous little poppet.   

I have to just add that I am simply posing the kiss here and I am still unable to kiss my dogs or handle any dog saliva what-so-ever.  EVER! 

One of the biggest lessons to be accepted as a mother is that you will not always be liked by your child.   You want to make them happy, to have their life full of fun and delight and happiness but their safety and healthy development comes first.

When your kids are little this is pretty easy.   Staying up late, sweets all day and no bath is probably their choice.   Underpants  and wellie boots to church, fairy wings and a tiara with nothing else to school in the middle of winter.   Mom clearly needs to step in to make sure kids are healthy and warm and clean and fed.  Basic needs.  Manners are a simple please and thank you and greeting in return.  Wait your turn, share, pick up your toys.

Fast forward to a decade or so later and your sweet fairy/batman has become a teenager where all the rules have changed.   Add social media like twitter and FB and Mxit and now try parenting  in unchartered territory.    With Daniel I am a young mom with me being 40 and him being 15.  Not super young I know but relatively young none the less.   This has both good and bad consequences for him.   I have tons of energy,  I really like his friends and teens in general and I do remember what it was like to be a teen.   (This despite him accusing me of not being in touch with my inner teen!)

In the past if you rode your plastic bike with no shoes on you could scrape your toe.  Now riding on a mototrbike with no helmet could end your life.   Bad friends in the past could mean you become cheeky or naughty, bad friends now mean drugs and drinking.  Unsuitable TV age 5 might mean nightmares or becoming more aggressive,   now we have porn.   Sulking vs depression and suicide.    Playing doctor-doctor or checking out each others bits while jumping on Mom’s bed after bath vs teen pregnancy or an STD or HIV.   The consequences of bad choices and immature judgement become life changing and even fatal.  It’s scary!

This NYE Daniel had 4 friends staying with him at our holiday house we rented.  Girl age 16, 2 boys of 15, one of 16 and one of 17.    For the first time he was allowed 1 drink.  His friends too after I checked if their parent s were OK with it.   They went down to the beach of the next holiday town where everyone hangs out and fireworks and music and drinking are a plenty.   At 12.30 I fetched them to take them home and I was incredibly unpopular practically ruining their lives and their only chance ever of kissing a girl.   They begged to stay and promised to get a ride home.  NOT.   Beach full of drunk people and roads full of drunk drivers.   I did feel sorry for them, they were practically crying with disappointment but because I  really do remember, I know what can and does happen.    They told me if the world ends in 2012 and they never kiss a girl it will be all my fault.    Sorry boys, I am the mom first and the cool friend Auntie Mel cannot always be cool.  Being responsible for other people’s kids is hectic and I am relieved everyone is all back home in one piece.   I have 6 years till Daniel turns 21 and then its 2 teen girls to parent.  Thank God I have Him to guide me as well as Him to guide them.  I really pray for Godly wisdom and guidance.  I want to be realistic and I want to be their friend who they can tell anything too but first and foremost my job is to keep them safe which means mom trumps friend every time.

It’s time to look behind me before I step forward into a new year.  I love that we have such a definite end of one year and the start of a new year.  For me it really does symbolise a fresh start with endless possibilities.  Being a reflective person means I do pause and look behind me hoping to take some new lessons with me.

I find it interesting that we often look at a whole year and say what a tough year it was and how the next year can only be better.  Experience tells me that each year has its challenges and its blessings.   It’s also interesting that so many Christians expect a life of constant blessing and happiness and just can’t believe it when tough times or sorrow come.  Other religions seem so accepting of sorrow yet for many Western Christians we feel so floored and cheated and attacked when life kicks us in the teeth.   God tells us we WILL have sorrow in this life but we do have Him and He will never leave us alone to battle it alone.

So what did I do this year?  Lets start with the GOOD!
I started a new job which is enormously frustrating but also rewarding.    Finding a surrogate is so difficult and then to finally get to the point where you do the IVF and have it fail or worse, have the surrogate miscarry, well you can imagine the disappointment and pain all around which I am not immune to.

Then I did my sewing course.   My machine remains unused and the skirt I made unworn.  Oh well, I did it I guess and I really should tell myself a good I told you so Mellie!

I turned FORTY!   Huge milestone for me!!  I am glad I had a party and so far forty really has been brilliant.   Who knew I would feel this young at 40?   Twenty years ago I thought I would be old at forty! 

I went to Singapore & Thailand with my mom where we met sister Nina.   This 21 years after our first trip together when I had promised we would go overseas together when I turned 40.  It was stunning and pure happiness.   I hope to go back there in 2013 and take my family.

We took the kids the London, San Francisco and Disney which has been a life long dream too.  They loved it and the travel bug has now been passed on.  Seeing my brother in London was super cool too and I hope Daniel gets to go and stay with his Uncle Paulie sometime.  

I made the decision to study again and actually registered so no going back.  My studies will be a huge part of 2012 and I am definitely nipping a little!

I entered quite a few 10km walks and even did a 15km in the Vineyards as well.  I also entered my first run and managed about 7 of the 10km with the rest walking.  Granted I could hardly move for the next 3 days but I did it none the less!   The previous year I did so few because I waited for people to walk with me but this year I just entered and always seem to find some willing soul at the eleventh hour.

 I got to witness what a great job Frances is doing with Bosom Buddies and still enjoy visiting the hospital every second week.  Seven years on and BB is going strong and it is simply because God stays faithful when we listen to His voice and don't give up.

My exciting faith!  I found out there are many other Christians out there who want less rules and more Jesus and it’s OK to questions and debate and seek and read.  My relation with Him has grown and I am loving the love rush, the wonder and endless possibilities.   Gary bought me Crazy Love by Francis Chan and I look forward to reading it.

I taught grade 2 and 3 Sunday school this year and while I certainly don’t have a gift or real love of teaching, it seems loving children is enough so I will continue next year.

And the grand ending…doing the 5 day Whale Trail Hike with Colleen and Cathy and friends and just loving it.  We are now committed hiking barbies and hope to do a few next year.  

And now the BAD.
I had my heart broken by such an unexpected source that I felt crippled for months.  The pain was so intense it became physical and my whole posture changed.  I had thought a previous heart break from 15 years ago had sufficed in enough scar tissue to prevent being that vulnerable again but it came from another place where I was wide open and not expecting it ever, ever, ever.   I have since learned that everyone screws up and some are just bigger than others.  Sometimes we do incredibly stupid things and do not think of the consequences or of the other people who will get crushed in the aftermath.  But time does heal and even though I still see the pain of people I love I do see things have got much better and I trust will be totally better even if changed, in time to come.

I battled with really bad back ache which was exacerbated by the emotional trauma.  It’s been a lot better since I have felt better.  I have to admit I think the Bowin’s technique has worked too.    Next year I do Pilate's one on one with a physio.

We lost Aidan on the 26^th of November and Gary and I think about him every day.   He is gone, totally gone and it remains such a sad and difficult concept to grasp.   It feels horribly unfair yet at the same time, we know God is sovereign and totally unsurprised by Aidan pitching up and making Jesus laugh within the first 5 seconds of meeting Him face to face.   We both feel so tender towards his wife and kids and just want to love them and do whatever we can for them.
On the 19^th of December I also lost my school BF’s sister Cara who battled Lupus complications for months.  Cara was only 34 years old and spunky and vibrant and fun.   She had been very sick for the past few months and finally her body couldn’t keep up with her spirit.   Now she keeps that Cara spirit with a new healthy body and gets to talk crap with Aidan in heaven.    

Their deaths have reminded me of the pure privilege and responsibility of this life I have for now.  I have to live my best life as my friend Oprah states.  I want to have no regrets one day.  I want to be brave enough to try everything and secure enough to cope with the inevitable failure which will be part of some of my attempts.   I do want to make a difference and I am hoping my studies will pan out and I will eventually qualify as a social worker and be able to give back somewhere.   I am grateful for all God has blessed me with and excited for 2012.  Bring it on!!!

Our hike was absolutely awesome and I am so hooked and ready to hike the next mountain.   With these kind of holidays the potential for disaster is always great.  I prayed so earnestly and furiously and the whole trip felt very God covered.  

The group of ladies was a little strange and because of age, somewhat segregated.   Half of us were in our late 30's or early 40's and then 5 ladies were late 50's or early 60's.  One lady had brought her poor daughter who was a 22 year old student who didn't say much the whole hike.  She seemed pretty bored and I don't know why she didn't bring a girlfriend.   We so want to do it again but with a group of like minded girlfriends of our age next time.

Colleen and I got along brilliantly which is pretty impressive considering you are spending 24/7 with someone in pretty basic conditions.  I guess we were both just chilled and the absolute beauty of the mountains and then later the ocean can only make someone feel supper blessed and happy.   We walked and walked for the 55 kms, we ate loads and spoke loads and laughed plenty.   It was also so cool catching up with my school friend Cathy and her sisters and they were fun company.  Cathy and her friend organized the food and we all chipped in.  They have done this several times so know the drill.  Our food was delicious so despite the strenuous hike, we both gained a kilo.

My back was more than fine and it seems God did grant me my 5 pain free days I so implored Him to do.   I had a Bowin's therapy session the day I left and although really sore that same day, by morning I was fine.   No falls, no snake bites, no blisters, no nothing, just absolute beauty and simplicity.  The stars at night were insane and something us city folk don't get to see.  Our day blessing one morning was a pod of about 30 dolphins jumping and surfing the waves.   Ridiculously exquisite and such a gift to see.   I can't find my camera charger but will post some pics as soon as I do.

Thanks God for your incredible creation and the opportunity to see it.  Thanks for my life, my health, my friends.   I am just so grateful!

Tra lah lahhh!   I leave for a very awesome hike with a bunch of girls in just 2 days.  Its a 55km 5 day hike called The Whale Trail   I am told it is absolutely beautiful and one of the best hikes ever.  They have a 1 to 2 year waiting list so a friend and I were fortunate that another old school friend of mine had space for us.

We don't know the rest of the group but I guess 55kms of hiking will give us plenty of bonding time.   The first 2 days are both 15km each and pretty rough but it supposedly gets easier.  I have only ever done a one day one night hike so I am a little nervy.  I have been praying for my back like crazy and for physio with needling today and then a 2nd session of Bowins therapy on Wed in case it does actually work which I think it just might.   I have avoided tennis and surfing and anything else that might make my back worse so I think I am all good to go.   Ye olde hiking folk...what to bring, little tips of what we should and shouldn't do, how do we make this as awesome as possible?

PS:  Mel jumpy shot will be done on the last day to ensure no injury to 40 year old self.

Hoping it won't be too late in the year to see these amazing creations God has blessed us with.

Brilliant

What a bad blogger I have become.  I can’t believe I used to blog almost every day and had a good daily following too back in the day.  We had some good as well as heated debates back then.    The older I get the busier I seem to get.  They say clichés are life’s little truths and many are.  Life begins at 40 has been very true for me.  I do feel a renewed sense of purpose and energy and confidence. 

My studying is both hectic and challenging and interesting.   It seems it leaves me very little time for anything else though.  I keep on telling myself to focus on 1 semester at a time but the 5 to 6 year time block keeps on yapping at my heals.    To have this pressure and keep up this discipline for so long is pretty scary.  Do I really want to sit at my desk every day?    

Yes, yes, I will finish this year and then re-look at things and hopefully be in the total swing of things so quite ready to do the next year.   At least I will have 2 months off at the end of the year and appreciate the time like never before.  This time around I will start studying on the 3^rd of January though and not take so long to start.  The one thing, apart from socialising, to go, will have to be my Tuesday morning bible study.  I know God has to be first and I have to make time for Him.  I also know when I get slack and feel that distance which is kind of where I am at right now.   I have decided to get a DVD series and watch with Gary once a week.   Claire said I can use her Louis Gilglio 4 week one which is pretty cool.  Anyone else know of another good series we can watch together? One with not too much homework though!  

The cool God thing of studying is a renewed appreciation for how brilliant I am and how brilliant He is.  I am brilliant, fabulous, amazing and miraculous.   Seriously!  You too.   The way He designed the human brain and nervous system is mind blowing.    I keep on repeating the scripture…I praise you for I am fearfully and wonderfully made.

But anyway, I have to hit the books, its 9.29am already.  At least I have done my exercise, done all my work and only collect Sofia at 1.00.   I promise to update once a week at least so don’t leave me forever.   Have a wonderful week everyone. x    

Mom, wife, sister, daughter, friend, surrogacy coordinator, STUDENT.

So I've done it.  I have literally put my money where my mouth is and started studying my BA Social Work.  It's a good thing I had paid for my subjects as the initial bit of trying to figure UNISA out was so damn frustrating I almost quit.  

My Social Work degree is a minimum 5 year project and pretty daunting.  I am not always great at following these grand plans I have.  Case in point:   Doula practise, Sewing course and all those clothes I was going to sew.  I do finish the course and initially am all enthusiastic and then I move onto the next thing.  The prob with my studies is its very long.  I will be 45/46 when I graduate!    

I was told UNISA would drive me somewhat mental and people did not lie.  I wanted to cry, swear, punch my laptop with frustration.   At least next semester will be easier as I will have figured out what to do.  My patient friend in the computer Michelle is also studying social work so fortunately could help me out.  Next time I will see a student counsellor before I choose my subsequent subjects.  So far I am doing Basic Psychology, Psychology in Society, Anthropology and then Social Welfare Policy which I added at the last minute.  I have under estimated the time it will take to study  but I have worked out a programme with my exercise (non negotiable) and my work and my studies.  The afternoons are totally dedicated to kids and the crazy extra murals and homework etc.   Unfortunately very little time for friends or leisure but I am pretty strict about Sundays being Sabbath and for friends and family and chilling.

As for the actual studying, cool!   I have only really got into Anthro which us right up my ally.  We tend to be so judgemental and disapproving of people different to us but we haven't taken the time to understand them and why they do what they do.  I love the philosophy of being curious and compassionate about other people and  not insisting your way is the only way or superior.  When I get over whelmed at the thought of 5 years I have to remind myself one semester at a time.   I do hope I can continue with it and don't give up.  When/if I finally finish their are so many amazing career opportunities for me and my youngest will have just finished junior school so I will be ready.

When I want to quit remind me that I am doing this for my own personal growth, I am doing this to learn, I can do all things with God who strengthens me, I can do this and push through, I am dong this with the possibility of a fulfilling career and I am doing what I should have done 22 years ago when I was told to study social work.  Go me go!

A friend put this on FB.  What a baby I am, probably about 17?   I cannot imagine this girl studying what I am doing now so I guess the time is now and wasn't meant to be way back when.

Proof that people do change

Tertia's BF is Mel who is also her business partner.  She is commonly known as friend Mel while I am sister Mel.  We are both 40 and both were known for our great loves in the past.  I loved children and babies and being a mother and Mel loved animals especially her dogs.  Sister Mel did not love dogs and certainly didn't want one.  Friend Mel did not love babies and certainly didn't want one.

Somehow we hit late thirties and had a change of heart and now friend Mel is mom to Eden and sister Mel me is now mom to dogs Lucy and Zara.   We have both been converted and are quite fanatical in our new beliefs and have now moved over to the other side.  I LOVE dogs and I am crazy about mine.  Mellie loves babies and is crazy about her gorgeous little poppet.   

I have to just add that I am simply posing the kiss here and I am still unable to kiss my dogs or handle any dog saliva what-so-ever.  EVER! 

Mom 1st, friend 2nd.

One of the biggest lessons to be accepted as a mother is that you will not always be liked by your child.   You want to make them happy, to have their life full of fun and delight and happiness but their safety and healthy development comes first.

When your kids are little this is pretty easy.   Staying up late, sweets all day and no bath is probably their choice.   Underpants  and wellie boots to church, fairy wings and a tiara with nothing else to school in the middle of winter.   Mom clearly needs to step in to make sure kids are healthy and warm and clean and fed.  Basic needs.  Manners are a simple please and thank you and greeting in return.  Wait your turn, share, pick up your toys.

Fast forward to a decade or so later and your sweet fairy/batman has become a teenager where all the rules have changed.   Add social media like twitter and FB and Mxit and now try parenting  in unchartered territory.    With Daniel I am a young mom with me being 40 and him being 15.  Not super young I know but relatively young none the less.   This has both good and bad consequences for him.   I have tons of energy,  I really like his friends and teens in general and I do remember what it was like to be a teen.   (This despite him accusing me of not being in touch with my inner teen!)

In the past if you rode your plastic bike with no shoes on you could scrape your toe.  Now riding on a mototrbike with no helmet could end your life.   Bad friends in the past could mean you become cheeky or naughty, bad friends now mean drugs and drinking.  Unsuitable TV age 5 might mean nightmares or becoming more aggressive,   now we have porn.   Sulking vs depression and suicide.    Playing doctor-doctor or checking out each others bits while jumping on Mom’s bed after bath vs teen pregnancy or an STD or HIV.   The consequences of bad choices and immature judgement become life changing and even fatal.  It’s scary!

This NYE Daniel had 4 friends staying with him at our holiday house we rented.  Girl age 16, 2 boys of 15, one of 16 and one of 17.    For the first time he was allowed 1 drink.  His friends too after I checked if their parent s were OK with it.   They went down to the beach of the next holiday town where everyone hangs out and fireworks and music and drinking are a plenty.   At 12.30 I fetched them to take them home and I was incredibly unpopular practically ruining their lives and their only chance ever of kissing a girl.   They begged to stay and promised to get a ride home.  NOT.   Beach full of drunk people and roads full of drunk drivers.   I did feel sorry for them, they were practically crying with disappointment but because I  really do remember, I know what can and does happen.    They told me if the world ends in 2012 and they never kiss a girl it will be all my fault.    Sorry boys, I am the mom first and the cool friend Auntie Mel cannot always be cool.  Being responsible for other people’s kids is hectic and I am relieved everyone is all back home in one piece.   I have 6 years till Daniel turns 21 and then its 2 teen girls to parent.  Thank God I have Him to guide me as well as Him to guide them.  I really pray for Godly wisdom and guidance.  I want to be realistic and I want to be their friend who they can tell anything too but first and foremost my job is to keep them safe which means mom trumps friend every time.

Twenty-Eleven

It’s time to look behind me before I step forward into a new year.  I love that we have such a definite end of one year and the start of a new year.  For me it really does symbolise a fresh start with endless possibilities.  Being a reflective person means I do pause and look behind me hoping to take some new lessons with me.

I find it interesting that we often look at a whole year and say what a tough year it was and how the next year can only be better.  Experience tells me that each year has its challenges and its blessings.   It’s also interesting that so many Christians expect a life of constant blessing and happiness and just can’t believe it when tough times or sorrow come.  Other religions seem so accepting of sorrow yet for many Western Christians we feel so floored and cheated and attacked when life kicks us in the teeth.   God tells us we WILL have sorrow in this life but we do have Him and He will never leave us alone to battle it alone.

So what did I do this year?  Lets start with the GOOD!
I started a new job which is enormously frustrating but also rewarding.    Finding a surrogate is so difficult and then to finally get to the point where you do the IVF and have it fail or worse, have the surrogate miscarry, well you can imagine the disappointment and pain all around which I am not immune to.

Then I did my sewing course.   My machine remains unused and the skirt I made unworn.  Oh well, I did it I guess and I really should tell myself a good I told you so Mellie!

I turned FORTY!   Huge milestone for me!!  I am glad I had a party and so far forty really has been brilliant.   Who knew I would feel this young at 40?   Twenty years ago I thought I would be old at forty! 

I went to Singapore & Thailand with my mom where we met sister Nina.   This 21 years after our first trip together when I had promised we would go overseas together when I turned 40.  It was stunning and pure happiness.   I hope to go back there in 2013 and take my family.

We took the kids the London, San Francisco and Disney which has been a life long dream too.  They loved it and the travel bug has now been passed on.  Seeing my brother in London was super cool too and I hope Daniel gets to go and stay with his Uncle Paulie sometime.  

I made the decision to study again and actually registered so no going back.  My studies will be a huge part of 2012 and I am definitely nipping a little!

I entered quite a few 10km walks and even did a 15km in the Vineyards as well.  I also entered my first run and managed about 7 of the 10km with the rest walking.  Granted I could hardly move for the next 3 days but I did it none the less!   The previous year I did so few because I waited for people to walk with me but this year I just entered and always seem to find some willing soul at the eleventh hour.

 I got to witness what a great job Frances is doing with Bosom Buddies and still enjoy visiting the hospital every second week.  Seven years on and BB is going strong and it is simply because God stays faithful when we listen to His voice and don't give up.

My exciting faith!  I found out there are many other Christians out there who want less rules and more Jesus and it’s OK to questions and debate and seek and read.  My relation with Him has grown and I am loving the love rush, the wonder and endless possibilities.   Gary bought me Crazy Love by Francis Chan and I look forward to reading it.

I taught grade 2 and 3 Sunday school this year and while I certainly don’t have a gift or real love of teaching, it seems loving children is enough so I will continue next year.

And the grand ending…doing the 5 day Whale Trail Hike with Colleen and Cathy and friends and just loving it.  We are now committed hiking barbies and hope to do a few next year.  

And now the BAD.
I had my heart broken by such an unexpected source that I felt crippled for months.  The pain was so intense it became physical and my whole posture changed.  I had thought a previous heart break from 15 years ago had sufficed in enough scar tissue to prevent being that vulnerable again but it came from another place where I was wide open and not expecting it ever, ever, ever.   I have since learned that everyone screws up and some are just bigger than others.  Sometimes we do incredibly stupid things and do not think of the consequences or of the other people who will get crushed in the aftermath.  But time does heal and even though I still see the pain of people I love I do see things have got much better and I trust will be totally better even if changed, in time to come.

I battled with really bad back ache which was exacerbated by the emotional trauma.  It’s been a lot better since I have felt better.  I have to admit I think the Bowin’s technique has worked too.    Next year I do Pilate's one on one with a physio.

We lost Aidan on the 26^th of November and Gary and I think about him every day.   He is gone, totally gone and it remains such a sad and difficult concept to grasp.   It feels horribly unfair yet at the same time, we know God is sovereign and totally unsurprised by Aidan pitching up and making Jesus laugh within the first 5 seconds of meeting Him face to face.   We both feel so tender towards his wife and kids and just want to love them and do whatever we can for them.
On the 19^th of December I also lost my school BF’s sister Cara who battled Lupus complications for months.  Cara was only 34 years old and spunky and vibrant and fun.   She had been very sick for the past few months and finally her body couldn’t keep up with her spirit.   Now she keeps that Cara spirit with a new healthy body and gets to talk crap with Aidan in heaven.    

Their deaths have reminded me of the pure privilege and responsibility of this life I have for now.  I have to live my best life as my friend Oprah states.  I want to have no regrets one day.  I want to be brave enough to try everything and secure enough to cope with the inevitable failure which will be part of some of my attempts.   I do want to make a difference and I am hoping my studies will pan out and I will eventually qualify as a social worker and be able to give back somewhere.   I am grateful for all God has blessed me with and excited for 2012.  Bring it on!!!

Hiker Barbie indeed.

Our hike was absolutely awesome and I am so hooked and ready to hike the next mountain.   With these kind of holidays the potential for disaster is always great.  I prayed so earnestly and furiously and the whole trip felt very God covered.  

The group of ladies was a little strange and because of age, somewhat segregated.   Half of us were in our late 30's or early 40's and then 5 ladies were late 50's or early 60's.  One lady had brought her poor daughter who was a 22 year old student who didn't say much the whole hike.  She seemed pretty bored and I don't know why she didn't bring a girlfriend.   We so want to do it again but with a group of like minded girlfriends of our age next time.

Colleen and I got along brilliantly which is pretty impressive considering you are spending 24/7 with someone in pretty basic conditions.  I guess we were both just chilled and the absolute beauty of the mountains and then later the ocean can only make someone feel supper blessed and happy.   We walked and walked for the 55 kms, we ate loads and spoke loads and laughed plenty.   It was also so cool catching up with my school friend Cathy and her sisters and they were fun company.  Cathy and her friend organized the food and we all chipped in.  They have done this several times so know the drill.  Our food was delicious so despite the strenuous hike, we both gained a kilo.

My back was more than fine and it seems God did grant me my 5 pain free days I so implored Him to do.   I had a Bowin's therapy session the day I left and although really sore that same day, by morning I was fine.   No falls, no snake bites, no blisters, no nothing, just absolute beauty and simplicity.  The stars at night were insane and something us city folk don't get to see.  Our day blessing one morning was a pod of about 30 dolphins jumping and surfing the waves.   Ridiculously exquisite and such a gift to see.   I can't find my camera charger but will post some pics as soon as I do.

Thanks God for your incredible creation and the opportunity to see it.  Thanks for my life, my health, my friends.   I am just so grateful!

She'll be coming round the mountain when she comes...

Tra lah lahhh!   I leave for a very awesome hike with a bunch of girls in just 2 days.  Its a 55km 5 day hike called The Whale Trail   I am told it is absolutely beautiful and one of the best hikes ever.  They have a 1 to 2 year waiting list so a friend and I were fortunate that another old school friend of mine had space for us.

We don't know the rest of the group but I guess 55kms of hiking will give us plenty of bonding time.   The first 2 days are both 15km each and pretty rough but it supposedly gets easier.  I have only ever done a one day one night hike so I am a little nervy.  I have been praying for my back like crazy and for physio with needling today and then a 2nd session of Bowins therapy on Wed in case it does actually work which I think it just might.   I have avoided tennis and surfing and anything else that might make my back worse so I think I am all good to go.   Ye olde hiking folk...what to bring, little tips of what we should and shouldn't do, how do we make this as awesome as possible?

PS:  Mel jumpy shot will be done on the last day to ensure no injury to 40 year old self.

Hoping it won't be too late in the year to see these amazing creations God has blessed us with.