It is my sweet darling Sofia’s 3rd birthday
today. I always wanted 4 kids but
circumstances dictated otherwise. After
the 1st two Gary was quite content to call it quits but that urge to have my 3rd was
like was a huge big space that I just knew needed filling. Now when I wish I had a 4th or
feel broody it is not the same feeling, not the same need.
I just HAD to have my Sofia.
I think part of the reason was that the 1st two were
unplanned and telling my family about the pregnancies was a painful experience
for me. Instead of excitement and
congratulations I felt condemnation and judgment. Obviously once they all recovered from the
shock they were happy and supportive but words were said that stole from the
joy I should have had. I also felt huge
guilt with Rebeka’s pregnancy as Tertia was right in the middle of her painful
intense infertility war. It was hard for
my entire family. Anyway, I don’t want
to feel sad today so let me focus on my sunshine girl.
Once I convinced Gary it was a good idea and I wasn’t saying taking no for an answer, along came Fifi. My pregnancy was a little hectic as Rebeka was a toddler and my home was being renovated. I had the strongest nesting instinct but no nest of yet. The dust from the building meant I couldn’t wash Zack’s clothes. I eventually finished my blue dinosaur nursery just before the birth.
I was induced which was a bad idea actually. It makes for a much more painful birth with
no gentle build up with contractions. They
kick your butt right from the beginning and it was very tough for me. I had wanted to give birth in water so held
out too long for the epidural. She was
posterior so her spine was against mine. I felt like my back was going to break Eventually I had a spinal block which didn’t take, so 8 excruciating
hours later, I push my 3.98 kilo baby out. At this point I still think its Zack and I lie on the bed exhausted with
my warm, wet baby on my chest. I lift
him up to show Gary how huge little boy’s balls are and gasp in disbelief as I see a little
cookie. What??? It’s a girl? I have another daughter!
She is calm and looks at me and her father
and we gaze back at this peaceful child with her round soft body. She is not long and thin but round and
soft. She latches on my nipple and
stays there sucking like a pro. I fell
triumphant, primal and brilliant. I AM
brilliant, look what I did. Look what we
did!!
We text everyone and they laugh….. Sofia Josephine?? I thought it was a boy? My bag is packed with tiny blue clothes borrowed from Olliet’s sons. My dad just chuckles and says… I told you so!
I need to wake her up and give her all her presents so let me write her a love letter before I do that. I am feeling very sentimental today at this end of her babyhood, my last baby.
Darling Fifi
Happy birthday big girl! You are 3 years old toady and getting so big. Mama and Daddy love you so much. You have made our family even more
perfect. I fell in love with you from
the second I looked at you and saw you were my girlie. Mimi said she wanted a turn but Mama
couldn’t be apart from you for one second in the whole first year. You took my breath away and you still
do. We love who you are…. Happy and
friendly and so sweet. We love how you
used to sit in your cot and sing in the dark waiting for Mama to fetch
you. I love listening to you singing
while you play.
When I fetch you from
school and see your little face thought the window, I feel like I am getting
the most exciting surprise.
When you were very small and I was even more
crazy about you than I am now, I told Mimi….. this is how much God loves
me. She asked my how I knew that, I
just did. Your name means holy wisdom
and you teach me about love most of all. You don’t have to do anything to make me love you, just be. The love I have for you is so pure and
intense without issues or conditions or questions.
Daddy laughs at me but I tell you we are best friends and now you tell me back. I hope we stay close always. You are so perceptive and always know what Mommy is feeling. You ask me if I am cross or sad if you see it on my face. I often look at you and haven’t said a word but you say I love you too. You can see it in my eyes. How amazing you are Sofia. How lucky and privileged I am to be your mother.
Tomorrow we have your Mickey Mouse party with all your friends and presents and love. You were so gracious at Rebeka’s birthday last week and I was very proud of you for not feeling envious and jealous. Now it is your turn. Have a special day my special Fifi, we all love you more than we could ever say.
Happy birthday Fifi - love you lots! xxx
Posted by: Martina | 29 June 2007 at 01:04 PM
Lovely words. Happy Birthday Fifi. Enjoy the party tomorrow. She is your baby and she sounds like a real precious little girl. My baby Jamie( 6yrs) is also my precious special darling, not that I love her more than I do my other kids but she is the baby and I think she gets away with more.
Dom x
Posted by: Dominique | 29 June 2007 at 01:34 PM
beautiful post mel! HUGE congratulations on fifi's 3rd birthday!!!
Posted by: angel | 04 July 2007 at 12:17 AM