This morning at 7.45 I sat on my bed and wandered how I could do this whole day. I had managed to send all 3 off to school dressed and eaten with lunch boxes and sports clothes packed. I was even nice to all 3 and didn't snap and pretended to listen when they spoke to me. This feels like a major achievement.
And I have done an hours work so even though I sit here in my fave tatty gown, I guess I am doing this. I do need help though and this is the week I will get it. I wish I could find a place to be where I didn't see a soul. Where food was passed in through a tray and I could just sleep and pray and sit. I want to fold in on myself, to just curl up for a bit. But hey, I am a mother and a wife and I have a life to live so option 2 involving others and chemical assistance will have to do.
Last week I went to my hairdresser. I sat there feeling like I couldn't even leave and she asked if I wanted a little white pill. Yes pls, give me something. I only took half as I thought I would be half sensible. Taking a unknown pill is probably not that wise which means taking half is only 50% stupid I reckon. I felt better, I really did. She says they call it the 'Vokol voel pilletjie' which I guess would translate as the F-all feeling little pill. The situation was the same but I felt calmer, I stopped squeezing myself and hunching my shoulders. I went over to my friend, sat in her beanbag and found myself just yakking. Drugs and beanbags...like a sixties therapy session.
So tomorrow I see someone for a therpay session and Wednesday I see my new psychiatrist. Me, I can't believe I will have a psychiatrist?? I just need those little pilletjies so I can not look forward to going to bed when I have only just woken up. My friends have been amazing and so have my parent's friends. Its good to know that my kids will be able to call on any of their aunties and uncles one day like I have been able to call on mine. They are not even blood relatives but the bond is the same. I have the hugs, I have God with all the wisdom and compassion but I don't seem to have any serotonin left which should hopefully be rectified soon. 2 more restless sleeps!