Doula Mel

Hugs AND drugs

This morning at 7.45 I sat on my bed and wandered how I could do this whole day.   I had managed to send all 3 off to school dressed and eaten with lunch boxes and sports clothes packed.  I was even nice to all 3 and didn't snap and pretended to listen when they spoke to me.   This feels like a major achievement.  

And I have done an hours work so even though I sit here in my fave tatty gown, I guess I am doing this.  I do need help though and this is the week I will get it.   I wish I could find a place to be where I didn't see a soul.  Where food was passed in through a tray and I could just sleep and pray and sit.  I want to fold in on myself, to just curl up for a bit.   But hey, I am a mother and a wife and I have a life to live so option 2 involving others and chemical assistance will have to do.   

Last week I went to my hairdresser.   I sat there feeling like I couldn't even leave and she asked if I wanted a little white pill.   Yes pls, give me something.  I only took half as I thought I would be half sensible.  Taking a unknown pill is probably not that wise which means taking half is only 50% stupid I reckon.   I felt better, I really did.  She says they call it the 'Vokol voel pilletjie' which I guess would translate as the F-all feeling little pill.  The situation was the same but I felt calmer, I stopped squeezing myself and hunching my shoulders.  I went over to my friend, sat in her beanbag and found myself just yakking.   Drugs and beanbags...like a sixties therapy session.  

So tomorrow I see someone for a therpay session and Wednesday I see my new psychiatrist.  Me, I can't believe I will have a psychiatrist??   I just need those little pilletjies so I can not look forward to going to bed when I have only just woken up.  My friends have been amazing and so have my parent's friends.   Its good to know that my kids will be able to call on any of their aunties and uncles one day like I have been able to call on mine.   They are not even blood relatives but the bond is the same.  I have the hugs, I have God with all the wisdom and compassion but I don't seem to have any serotonin left which should hopefully be rectified soon.   2 more restless sleeps!

Just not good company right now.

I haven't been a very entertaining blogger of late.  The problem of a known blog is that much of the real stuff and deep emotions cannot be mentioned because other people are involved.   An anon blog must be great..letting it all hang out and getting brutally honest.

Am I being all annoying and cryptic here?   Sorry again.  Suffice to say I am going through some painful issues right now that I need to work through.  I am struggling to be flippant or lah lah lah.  Its amazing how emotional pain, grief, stress etc manifests physically.  I ache.  My back, my head, my teeth, even my eyeballs hurt.   I have decided to be a big girl and go and see someone.   I have only ever been to therapy once about 15 years ago.  In the end I decided shopping would make me feel much better and opted for retail instead.   In hindsight this current situation has brought back all the unresolved pain and issues from 15 years ago so maybe its time.  Time to deal with the past and the present.  I have always been one to move on and make the most of what life throws at me but right now I do need some help and fresh neutral insight.

As for drugs, you know how I feel about those but I also know with renovating and this situation and normal life issues my serotonin is practically non-existent so perhaps I can find something short term to take the edge off.  Feck, its damn hard being grown up!   Thank God for my faith.  Thank you God for walking with me every day, for extra when I am less.   I want to crawl into my bed and spoon with Him and just hide away for a bit.  Tomorrow, I will hide a little tomorrow while the kids are at school.

PS:   Gary being winner husband.  Woolies large bag chuckles/maltezers, hugs and listening to me as I talk things through.

My own peg letter

Last year one of my BF's lost her brother-in-law totally unexpectedly at age 35.   It took her own husband weeks to sort out his affairs and try and help his sister and nephew.  It got me thinking about what I would do if Gary had to die and how little I know about stuff.  He hates anything remotely morbid so it took much nagging   persuading to get him to write out a whole long list explaining policies and work stuff and wishes etc.   I promised not to read it and it lives in the safe in a sealed envelope.  I hope to only open it when I am in my eighties or I might even duck before he does.

I have recently been through a situation that has literally shaken my core and got me looking at things in a new light minus the rose tinted glasses.  I am going to get all my docs looked at to see if I would be OK should the sh*t ever hit the fan.  I would like a anti-sh*t raincoat.  Now I promise not to get cynical but I also don't want to live in naive lah-lah land.   It has also reminded me that I have never written my own peg letter.  I did fill out my organ card just before I flew which did give me pause for thought.  People think if you write a will or peg letter you are tempting fate.   I have God and not fate and He knows when its time for me to go so I think I will rather be prepared and spare my family unnecessary grief and stress.  I am not afraid of death, standing before God and experiencing love in its purest form.  Leaving my family would suck so lets hope my children are over 50 already with their own families.

I will obviously write Gary a private and detailed letter so will just share a few with you:
Switch me off if I am brain dead.  (Give me a week or so just in case!)
I want to donate all my organs and they can use the rest of me for medical research.  Once they are totally done my ashes can be scattered at Bikini Beach on a windless day.
I don't want a tombstone but I would love a bench on my fave mountain where I walk.
Anything I might own must be divided amongst my 3 kids.  Whatever they don't want has to be donated and not sold.
I know Amazing Grace is somewhat of a cliche song but I still want it at my service.   
If I do die before my kids are grown up it would suck HORRIBLY but I wouldn't want Gary to be alone forever.  You all have to make sure she treats my kids well.  And doesn't sleep in my bed.  And doesn't expect them to call her Mom.   Mmmh, not loving this thought.
And the au pair...make sure she isn't too hot.  Kind, clever and loving but not too young or perky.
The who gets the kids stuff if we both die is a whole other issue.  I think I just can't die young.  It doesn't suit.  I will have to be in my eighties and with any luck, see my one of my grandkids get married.

Hope I got you thinking about yours!

 

3 waving fingers

I seem to be under water and my waving hand is almost covered.  Just a few finger tips sticking above the water.   

I don't know how people have tidy organized houses?  Mine is a disaster, every draw a mess, every room a mess.  I tidy and tidy and tidy and everyone else seems to mess and sprawl all over.   I know its partially the renovating so we have to move stuff from room to room but even in established existing areas things are messy.  I know, room by room.  I start then I get distracted and I do something else and land up half doing a million things.   I think I need to pay my friend Colette to come and rescue me.  Maybe I will after the renovating is done.  I also know the anxiety over trying to get some order is fuelled by another personal situation that has left me horribly insecure.  (Self-shrinking myself now in the absence of therapy)

Otherwise work is good, keeping me busy.  Gary good.  Critters are fine.  In fact I have just found out Daniel has some freaky clever scores when I went to see the counsellor.  It baffles my brain...his brain that is.  I have to tell him EVERY SINGLE DAY to feed the dogs.  And if I don't say AND the water then they only get food.  I guess its the ADD thing. He called me frantically at 7.45 this morning to bring his tie because they had uniform inspection and he would get detention.  You would be very proud to know I said NO.  I also got a msg to say Sofia doesn't have her netball clothes.  In the bag!  The clothes are IN your suitcase.  I need a holiday.  Yes I know I have just had one, I need another!  

PS, have decided will only start studying next year.  Very sensible me!

BB, it's a good thing.

This morning I had the pleasure of going on a BB visit with Liezl and taking 2 teens with me.  They were busy with a high school community work project and needed community hours.   I am back on the roster and visiting the ward every second Monday.  Frances is still 100% in charge and doing a brilliant job and I am so fortunate that I just get to do the warm & fuzzy stuff.

In the early days of running the charity, it was all about the warm and fuzzy stuff which was my original reason for starting the ministry.  It was a combination of my passion and my compassion and having such a sense of God's love for these mothers.  I was desperate for them to know it too.  To feel not so totally alone.  Later it got too big and marketing and fund raising took up much of my time and energy.

BB wasn't about trying to look like a big hero or a do-gooder or a good Christian.  I have been accused of being a goody two shoes B*tch, of not actually caring, of judging those I helped and loved, of being a fake Christian, of thinking myself holier than though.   I didn't think I was Mother Theresa.  I didn't think I was holy, or better or anything other than fortunate to be able to run a ministry for 5 years just loving women and babies.  Much of it was damn hard and much of it was not warm and fuzzy.  Try running a charity on faith.  Its exhausting trying not to stress about paying salaries, rent, bag supplies etc.  But still, it was awesome and I felt so lucky to be doing it.

So this morning the ward was jam packed full of mothers and babies.  We had the usual crowd.  A few teens, a few very rough looking mothers, a few desperate ones, a few worried ones with teeny little prems and a few very poor ones with yet another mouth to feed.   Thank God no stillbirth as its hard for grown ups never mind for the teen girls to handle.   We were there and chatting and holding babies and loving and hugging mothers and praying God's protection and provision and just blessing over all these mothers.   I loved it and I stood back for a second and thought.  This is good, what happens here with BB is good and as it should be.  Now that I don't run it anymore I can say that.  Bosom Buddies is an amazing ministry.  I am not saying that I am good.   I swear, I judge, I moan, I question much of Christianity and I am just like every other flawed regular person.  But BB, is good.  They do a great thing and represent Jesus as He is.  Just loving and not judging or justifying.     I always get such a sense of Him knowing each and every mother.  Every need and every detail of their life.  Love it!

When hyper parenting works

I strongly believe our generation over parents.  I am a super guilty on this one.  I am not sure if it is a response to being under parented as kids, or a response to the needs of the competitive world that our children are growing up in.  As with everything it is probably a combo of all the influences. 

This morning I wake everyone up with a gentle voice and dimmed lights.  I then go and make hot chocolate and tea after placing their school clothes on the panel heater to warm up so long.   The hot drinks get brought to various family members who lie in bed for another 15 minutes while I make school lunch.   I peel and segment each orange piece and put in plastic baggie and then in lunch box.  I add the sandwich (no nasty jam, polony, boring bovril or plain peanutbutter) and add a fruit bar and  sausage each.  The juice gets added just before they leave so it stays cold.   Suitcases are placed next to the pre-packed hockey bags I do the night before.  They then finally get up to dress in warmed clothes and get their own breakfast although I do make it half the time.   At 7.15 I yell at all to brush their teeth and I do the girsl hair and finally send them on their way.   I am sheepishly aware I do far too much for them, especially the girls.

Last week Daniel had a school meeting to discuss subject choices for next year.  This is crucial as it affects what he studies and where he works.  Gary and I went along and we have been discussing his options with him.  We go on-line to see which courses interest him and what the subject requirements are.   His career basically starts now already and I am so excited for him.   I hope he gets into IT as they only take 60 students and the grade has 250.  Not everyone will apply of course but I am sure more than 60.   He does the test next Friday which is also when we see the guidance counselor together.  He got to go on a tour of the Google campus while in CA and I know it blew his mind.  So do the opportunities at Gary's company.  I just love it that his whole life is open and with a bit of hyper parenting, we can really help him to map out his career path and ensure he takes advantage of all the gifts and talents and opportunities that God has blessed him with. 

PS, I am thinking of studying too but still investigating.   A whole degree at age 40, imagine!