Doula Mel

Abundant Life

Time to talk health and body again.  I love being healthy and I appreciate my body.  I do not take it for granted and I am determined to be a fit and funky old lady one day who does all sorts of things.   Genetics have not dealt me the kindest hand and I am aware of what lurks in my DNA.  Unfortunately anxiety and depression is one as you know although I fortunately only have the former to battle.  I found an old notebook from 10 years ago when I first met Gary and it was interesting to see that my anxiety was hanging around then already.  Milder than now but old Agatha was definitely there.

So Agatha is accepted and controlled via diet and exercise.  Unfortunately I just can't seem to do the drugs.  Last week she was a little manic but now its just normal boom-boom beating heart anxiety.  My current health problem that is getting me down physically and mentally, is my cronky back.   I have had back ache for years and the times between pain and stiffness seems to be shorter.   Its debilitating and most of the things I love to do, make it worse.   Surfing...killer.  Its the angel of my back when I am paddling.   Ironically surfing is brilliant for anxiety and makes me so damn happy so not being able to, well, makes me so damn sad.   Sex...serious back ache the next day.   My husband assures me sex is excellent for all sorts of health problems and should be done on a very regular basis so having bad back ache the next day is very sucky indeed.   Tennis, running, climbing the mountain...all hurt my lower back.   The pain is in the right hip which spreads to my lower back and I get all tight in my right butt cheek  and all down my leg gets super tight.   At the moment just bending down to put my trainers on pinches the nerves and I haven't even STARTED to exercise.   

I have been to physio and I am currently seeing a chiropractor.  He had done x-rays and can;t see anything drastically wrong.  I went for some blood tests last week and I see him today for the results to see if it isn't something else.   Its just not working.  Who do I see and what do I do?   Osteopath?   Surgeon?   I know I should have an MRI but I don't have 7K right now and we are not on full medical aid.  Once I know whats wrong I promise I will start pilates even though I find it really boring and feel embarrassed at being as flexible as a 80 year old.   I have found someone who is a physio and pilates teacher and will schedule a session.   Shit, fine, I will phone right now.   OK, left a msg.  

I want an abundant life.  I was at church on Sunday and they had this really nasty crown of thorns that made me want to cry every time I looked at it.  He died such an horrendous death and He said he came to give us life and life in abundance which is my right and my claim.   Gary says I am being stubborn by insisting on doing the 10km Vital run/walk which is in 2 weeks time.   No, I want to run in the vineyards with my friend.  I want to climb our mountain and surf and have passionate sex with my husband.  I want to play terrible tennis with my friend where we spend half the time apologising and laughing because we suck so badly.  These are Godly things I just know God would want me to enjoy.  I insist on this abundant life and being in pain and not being able to do all I want to is just rubbish.   I will get better, I will find someone who can fix my back and I will not stop asking God to heal me.  I will become such a pain in the arse that eventually He will turn around and say enough already, your back is healed.  Please God.   Heal me instantly or place people in my life who will heal me once and for all.  You know I want stop asking until you do and I KNOW you can fix me.  Please!!! 

Jumpy Mel in happier times.

Birthdays tomorrow

So tomorrow my darling mama turns 63 and I know I have a busy Monday so thought I would wish her today instead.  I love having a young mother and she's a great one.   And no, its not just my bias, my friends have always loved my mom too and now even my kids' friends love 'their' Mimi.

The past 3 years have been incredibly difficult for my mother.  Somehow she sailed along till 60 with the odd bit of bad weather and only the rare not too scary storm.  The storms were caused by her 4 kids and we all gave her heartache whenever our own hearts would ache or break.   She turned 60 in November and by the next month, she was diagnosed with cancer after a hectic op and so began the nightmare of chemo and treatment.   Les than a year later we had my dad have his trip bi-pass, 2 heart attacks and the stroke that has forever changed our family.  Ironically all that a month after his 60th too actually!

This year has been the hardest of all and they say our true colours come out when crises hits.  What do we exhibit when life kicks us in the teeth so hard our everything shatters?    Bitterness or self-pity or anger or depression or paralysis?  Un-forgiveness and revenge?   Who are we really under our polite day faces?  Well she might have gone through some of these feelings but they were so fleeting that her true colours quickly emerged.    What an incredible strong lady my mother is.  Full of class and compassion giving grace when none was deserved.  My love has been a given and could grow no larger than it already is.  My respect and admiration however, well that has increased ten fold.   God has carried my mom and she has often felt His silence when she was desperate for a word.   I believe He stayed silent as His daughter was doing and being all she needed to be.   This past week was the first time she heard His voice with a message she needed to hear.  Just one word spoken by a complete stranger that had no relevance to their conversation yet we knew it was a God thing.   Amazing!

Tomorrow is also my Christian birthday and I time where I reflect on my walk with God.   Twelve years of working out my salvation.   Sometimes I get it wrong and often I get it right but I am forever grateful for the love and acceptance and grace of God through Jesus.  If you can get past the bullshit that seems to discolour the true msg of the gospel and be sincere in your walk with Him you will really find a life that is filled with meaning and passion and love that really does cover the proverbial multitude of sins.   My scripture of late has been: Return to me the joy of my salvation.  (Somewhere in bible, don't ask me where)   I feel like I am back at that place where I first fell in love and couldn't believe that someone like me could call themselves a Christian.   I can and I am.  I don't have to do anything and even things I do that I shouldn't does not disqualify me.   Love and be loved, be the best person I know how, chase after God and seek Him in all I do, live what I believe and be real.  

I feel hugely blessed to have the mother I have and a God big enough to encompass all I am warts and all.  Happy birthday Bella Mama and happy bday to clapper me!

Gorg Mimi on our unforgettable Singapore and Thailand holiday this year.  We'll go again Mom so if you wake up and its a wobble day, then think back to this day and think forward to our future travels with many days like this one.

 

Round and round we go

It has been said by a gleeful parent that grand kids are a parent's revenge.  All the sh*t that we put our parents through will be returned to us via their beloved grand kids and we will look back in sheepish remorse at what we put our folks through.

Apart from being a bunker at school and sneaking off to the beach at any opportunity, I wasn't too bad a teenager.  I never really went through that intense, moody, angry phase.  I loved my friends and school and surfer boyfriend.   Drugs were not really around so apart from the odd bit of weed, we were OK.   Drinking? Mmmh, I guess we did that too in older years and nasty Esprit was the drink of choice.  My grades were OK, I never had an eating disorder or anything requiring therapy so by all intents and purposes, I was probably considered an easy teen.    

I am fortunate to be the parent of an easy teen too.  Raising a child with Christian values helps loads as most of his friends are Christian too.   I am not naive to think it means they won't try things or be tempted but having a nice crowd to hang out with who share your values does help keep them safe.  I am not terribly strict but we do have boundaries which he seems to respect.  On that front, we are doing well.

So what is the problem then that I am having a hard time with?   Well, I am a little embarrassed to admit but I feel sad that my involvement in his life has become so little.   It is natural for kids to grow up and become less involved and dependent on their parents.  He should and does have his own life but I struggle at just how small the part is I now play in it.   Damn, I really do feel silly.  Silly yet sad too.   Maybe this is all in the preparation for the empty nest stage?

I don't want to hang out with him and his friends but I do want to know what is going on in his life and head and heart.  I don't want to have to go on FB to find out.  Guys are pretty bad at sharing as a rule and 15 year olds...not so much!    We were so close and I guess we still are but I just hate the disconnect I feel and need to find a new mothering style where I don't stifle him or make him feel guilty yet maintain our relationship.  How to do ol' wise readers?

PS:   I can think of 2 specific instances where I unwittingly hurt my parents although I am sure their were plenty more.   The first apology goes to my dad.  I was about 15 and after school we would all walk down the hill and wait down at the bustop and talk and act cool while we waited for our parents.   My dad was always working while we were growing up but for some reason he came to fetch me.  He parked and GOT OUT OF THE CAR.   I was mortified as everyone stared at him and at me.   I was not happy about being embarrassed and I gave him a hard time.  He was hurt.   Sorry Dad, I hope you don't even remember this but I do and I know it must have hurt.  Thank you for the countless times you got out of bed to fetch us from parties wearing that awful blue knitted tracksuit that made us terrified you might exit the vehicle.  (we were never late in case!)
The 2nd apology is a biggie and for my mom.   When I was 19 and Tertia was 21 we found this amazing flat in Mouillepoint to move into.  We were going to share with another girl.   We packed all our stuff and whatever my folks could give us for our flat and said a hurried excited goodbye and got in the car and raced off.   My mom stood there and watched 2 of her daughters leave home without so much as a backwards glance.   Ouch!  She told me years later how hard it was and now that I have my own kids, I feel her pain.

Teenagers are selfish as a rule and its right and normal and the way of the world.  They cannot be tied to our apron strings forever and need to grow up.  All this I know and accept yet somehow it doesn't make it easier and I thank God it is many years until they all leave home and I stand with Gary watching my girls drive off to the their new flat that I know they will share one day.

Do you remember playing this?   I am wearing the one wearing the silly hat.  You would suck a credit card on your mouth and have to pass to the person next to you.  If it dropped you would land up kissing them.  Not sure if you had to have a drink too?  Think so.   We were at our matric rage in Hermanus and we only had girls on the holiday but played anyway??   Ciggie in hand belongs to Cathy, I never smoked and somehow skipped that one.

Keeping the tree, the treating and Tinks.

On Sunday at church we got to watch an amazing documentary called 'A call to India' which was filmed and produced by a guy in our church.   I am going to do a separate post about it as is was so inspirational.   Evangelism done with absolute respect and sensitivity.   Christianity at its best.

Last night we went trick or treating like we do every year.   Halloween is not big like in the US but certain neighbourhood do have a whole bunch of kids dressing up and getting sweets/candy.   For many conservative South African christians, it is a huge No-No.   Many of these anti-people are my dear friends yet I still have to respectfully disagree here.   I am not drinking my cats blood and then placing kitty on the fire.  (I did catch it weeing in the corner of my room this morning tho' and definitely felt like sacrificing it to the big blue kitty litter box in the sky)   We are not singing happy birthday to the devil or focusing on anything evil or ugly.  I understand they say things are happining in the spiritual realm that are dodgy but kids and candy are the total opposite spirit.   What we ARE doing is getting all dressed up and taking our loot bags and going to the houses with balloons outside and knocking on the door yelling TRICK OR TREAT!!!!!!    I love seeing all the costumes and the other moms and the friendly vibe from the people who are standing at the door with bags of sweets.  I love the glowing pumpkins and the whole fun vibe of the evening.  I find it ironic that most CHRISTIAN Americans do trick or treat and have fun on Halloween and recognize it for a fun and innocent holiday.  

I know some people do not even do Christmas.  The tree is a bad thing somehow, its apparently not even His birthday that day, the gifts are commercial, Santa is seeing as telling lies to your kids, the whole day is just not the done thing.   Well I love family and food and prezzies and tradition and eating till I have to undo my belt and going to church that morning and thanking God for His son that has brought my life amazing peace and love and colour and meaning.  

I resent that Rebeka was given a hard time at school yesterday by some child accusing her of celebrating the devils birthday.  She eventually told her to mind her own business.   I hate that Tinkerbell and other little fairy characters are seen as evil with spiritual connotations that I just don't get.   I am keeping Easter with the chocolates, my fresh gorgeous Christmas tree, the tooth fairy, trick or treating and all the sentimental traditional holidays and practises that my family enjoy.   Jesus was totally anti religion.  He loved God and He loved people.  He loved eating and hanging out with friends.  He especially loved kids and I would imagine he thought mine were pretty cute yesterday.   

Once again, respectfully agreeing to disagree here.  Lets focus on loving Him with all our hearts, all our minds and all our souls and loving our neighbour as we love ourselves.  

Gary's shoes worn over hers which I had to carry for most of the evening!  Becks was an angel with a halo and wings.  I was the warm and comfy mama.