Doula Mel: Round and round we go

It has been said by a gleeful parent that grand kids are a parent's revenge. All the sh*t that we put our parents through will be returned to us via their beloved grand kids and we will look back in sheepish remorse at what we put our folks through.

Apart from being a bunker at school and sneaking off to the beach at any opportunity, I wasn't too bad a teenager. I never really went through that intense, moody, angry phase. I loved my friends and school and surfer boyfriend. Drugs were not really around so apart from the odd bit of weed, we were OK. Drinking? Mmmh, I guess we did that too in older years and nasty Esprit was the drink of choice. My grades were OK, I never had an eating disorder or anything requiring therapy so by all intents and purposes, I was probably considered an easy teen.

I am fortunate to be the parent of an easy teen too. Raising a child with Christian values helps loads as most of his friends are Christian too. I am not naive to think it means they won't try things or be tempted but having a nice crowd to hang out with who share your values does help keep them safe. I am not terribly strict but we do have boundaries which he seems to respect. On that front, we are doing well.

So what is the problem then that I am having a hard time with? Well, I am a little embarrassed to admit but I feel sad that my involvement in his life has become so little. It is natural for kids to grow up and become less involved and dependent on their parents. He should and does have his own life but I struggle at just how small the part is I now play in it. Damn, I really do feel silly. Silly yet sad too. Maybe this is all in the preparation for the empty nest stage?

I don't want to hang out with him and his friends but I do want to know what is going on in his life and head and heart. I don't want to have to go on FB to find out. Guys are pretty bad at sharing as a rule and 15 year olds...not so much! We were so close and I guess we still are but I just hate the disconnect I feel and need to find a new mothering style where I don't stifle him or make him feel guilty yet maintain our relationship. How to do ol' wise readers?

PS: I can think of 2 specific instances where I unwittingly hurt my parents although I am sure their were plenty more. The first apology goes to my dad. I was about 15 and after school we would all walk down the hill and wait down at the bustop and talk and act cool while we waited for our parents. My dad was always working while we were growing up but for some reason he came to fetch me. He parked and GOT OUT OF THE CAR. I was mortified as everyone stared at him and at me. I was not happy about being embarrassed and I gave him a hard time. He was hurt. Sorry Dad, I hope you don't even remember this but I do and I know it must have hurt. Thank you for the countless times you got out of bed to fetch us from parties wearing that awful blue knitted tracksuit that made us terrified you might exit the vehicle. (we were never late in case!)
The 2nd apology is a biggie and for my mom. When I was 19 and Tertia was 21 we found this amazing flat in Mouillepoint to move into. We were going to share with another girl. We packed all our stuff and whatever my folks could give us for our flat and said a hurried excited goodbye and got in the car and raced off. My mom stood there and watched 2 of her daughters leave home without so much as a backwards glance. Ouch! She told me years later how hard it was and now that I have my own kids, I feel her pain.

Teenagers are selfish as a rule and its right and normal and the way of the world. They cannot be tied to our apron strings forever and need to grow up. All this I know and accept yet somehow it doesn't make it easier and I thank God it is many years until they all leave home and I stand with Gary watching my girls drive off to the their new flat that I know they will share one day.

Do you remember playing this? I am wearing the one wearing the silly hat. You would suck a credit card on your mouth and have to pass to the person next to you. If it dropped you would land up kissing them. Not sure if you had to have a drink too? Think so. We were at our matric rage in Hermanus and we only had girls on the holiday but played anyway?? Ciggie in hand belongs to Cathy, I never smoked and somehow skipped that one.