Just when I have life all figured out it throws me another curve-ball. I have these plans and visions and goals and then I re-adjust them as need be. When I had the whole disaster of the drama last year with subsequent semi- breakdown all I knew to be true was not. My foundation and identity had to be re-built again and took me a while to get back on my feet/horse.
As you know I just couldn't handle the anti-deps but unfortunately the log term effect of too much cortisol and adrenalin and not enough serotonin has made my nervous system so screwy and my back is paying the price. I have on and off backache forever but the past 3 years have resulted in too many ons and not enough offs. The past 6 to 8 months have causes real deterioration and I now sit with chronic back pain and no offs. Its debilitating and depressing and really scary.
On a bad day I feel afraid that I can't handle it. I can't be this sore for my whole long life I have all planned out. I am going to have a beach house one day and go for walks with my Jack Russel. I am that fit and funky granny doing Jumpy Mel poses all over the world when I travel. I have accepted that people die and relationships end and nothing is cast in stone. I was OK because I would be healthy and I would have the beach. Now I feel afraid I will just get worse and stiff and small and not be strong and capable.
So what am I doing about it? Well I did finally have that MRI which revealed long term damage from Scheuermanns disease that I had as a teen. I can clearly see the damage on the screen. I also have a degenerated disc in my lower spine which causes all the lower backache and sore hip plus typical arthritic stiffness and pain in the morning. My neuro was not encouraging and made me want to cry. He told me I am unrealistic in my expectation to be pain free and I need to learn to live with it and exercise through the pain. I REFUSE. NOT, no frikking way am I living like this. He gave me a script for meds that make me feel drunk and out of it. On Tuesday I went into hospital for an epidural block which hasn't worked yet. My BP dropped to 82/55 and took ages to stabilise again so they put me on a drip. I then had an allergic reaction to the cortisone the following day and was insanely itchy. I suck at taking meds.
My word from God is what I hang on for now. Abundance. I am going to be pain free. I accept episodes of pain sometimes but certainly not daily. I have found a great physio who is very thourough and is going to teach me some therapy to do in the pool. I am still doing my once weekly rehab pilates and will increase to 2 when I am a little better. I will do the occasional Bowin's therapy. I will stretch every day and walk and swim too. I am also going to the Rheumatoid guy on the 23rd of March. I will see whoever and do whatever. I will continue to pray and trust and nag God till I drive Him batty and he glances my way and restores my spine in a second. One of my BF's is going to Bethel in CA tomorrow for a conference. They have had amazing testimonies of healing so she is going to stand proxy for me and God will do His thing. Come on Jesus! I would be so ridiculously stoked to be out of pain. Trying to study and work and mother while being this sore is hard and I know I can do ALL things through Christ who strengthens me but please!!!! Yay and Amen!
Hey Melanie, I feel your pain. I wish you all the best and with perseverance I am sure you will make it happen. To live with pain like that is not easy and I don't have pain, so I will not know what it is like to live like that. I on the other hand, was diagnosed with breast cancer in 2005 April. I will be 7 years in remission and I am so glad to be here today. BUT it comes with ups and downs. Every little thing makes me panic, "what if" I am no hypercondriac but lately my body scares me. I think what depresses me the most is, my body has let me down and in life things that let you down you can get rid off, walk away or do what ever, but not when it comes to ones own body. I have a CT scan on Monday for something that might not be anything but this is the way my life is going to be for the rest of it. This is not they way I planned my life and with that goes a whole lot of things besides my health.
So good luck and I really hope things work out well.
Love Liz
Posted by: Lizette Tredoux Swanepoel | 25 February 2012 at 03:14 PM
Hang in there Crazy Daisy .,,, being so far away I had no idea of the things that you have been going through! I thank my lucky stars that I am fairly strong and healthy - remember there is always an up ,,, when you look in the mirror you are gorgeous, I on the other hand, due to hitting 41 last week, need to cover the mirror in vaseline to blur out the wrinkles :-) thinking of you my friend and sending some NZ energy and positive vibes your way! Please keep in the loop of how you're getting on. xxx
Posted by: Leigh | 25 February 2012 at 10:09 PM
Mel, just checking - have you tried chiropractic treatment? Could make quite a bit of difference to the functionality of the spine, and take pressure away from the nerves being irritated. Has certainly made a lot of difference for me, and I had some fairly nasty back injuries in the 90s.
Posted by: Jen | 29 February 2012 at 02:49 PM
Have you ever tried Reiki? Non-invasive, no drugs, just using your body's natural powers to heal itself drawn from universal energy.
Posted by: Sam | 01 March 2012 at 10:10 AM
Hey Mel, agree with Sam - try Reiki - it's help me with my Scheuermanns and doesn't involve meds. Hang in there and blessings being sent your way!
Posted by: Chicklit | 01 March 2012 at 07:05 PM
I really believe you need to read Women's Wisdom, Women's Bodies. You ahve to get to the root of the pain ...
'Acute physical injury or strain might begin the cycle of back pain, but acute injury heals quickly on its own.
What keeps the pain going is chronic muscle tension.
And chronic muscle tension is the direct result of emotional stress that is not consciously acknowledged by the sufferer. Stress over the pain, worries about the future, the stress of living with a difficult spouse or family member, financial worries, etc., all add up to chronic muscular tension.
This pain is not "all in your head." It’s real. Chronic muscle tension hurts a great deal'.
http://www.drnorthrup.com/womenshealth/healthcenter/topic_details.php?topic_id=58
Learn More | Recommended Reading or Resources
Back Sense, by Ronald D. Siegel, Psy.D., Michael H. Urdang, and Douglas R. Johnson, M.D.
Healing Back Pain: The Mind–Body Connection by Dr. John Sarno
The Core Program: Fifteen Minutes a Day That Can Change Your Life, by Peggy W. Brill
Healing Mind, Healthy Woman: Using the Mind-Body Connection to Manage Stress and Take Control of Your Life, by Alice D Domar & Henry Dreher
The Relaxation Response, by Herbert Benson, M.D., president of the Mind/Body Medical Institute.
Women’s Bodies, Women’s Wisdom, by Christiane
Northrup, M.D., Chapter 15, "Steps for Creating Vibrant Health"
The Wisdom of Menopause, by Christiane Northrup, M.D., Chapter 12, "Standing Tall for Life: Building Healthy Bones"
The audiotape program Anger Releasing by Louise Hay
xx
Posted by: AD | 02 March 2012 at 09:11 AM
Women's Wisdom, Women's Bodies is a great book! TRE might help too, extremely beneficial.
Posted by: Chicklit | 05 March 2012 at 02:55 PM
I have 3 herniated disc's in my lower back and two in my neck with two other discs with bone spurs. I live in pain. I have a stimulator that helps block pain in my lower back. It's really a nerve blocker. I did the shots you are talking about but hey stopped working. They tried deadening the nerves but that didn't work. I like the stimulator. It feels like you are getting a message. You can still feel things it just helps tell your nerves you are not in pain. I would like one for my neck so that I can stop taking so many pills. It has effected my life and I just turned 41 Feb 2nd. I've had it to where I could not walk at all. This last time it was in 2009 from Oct. through Dec when the blocker was installed. I went from a wheel chair to walking. It was awesome. My moto now is any day I am walking is a great day! Now I just wish I could get rid of the neck, shoulder and upper back pain.
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