Doula Mel

What about Rabbi Goldstein, Nam Wadee and Fatima Kahn?

If I ever have a 2nd blog I would call it The Confused Christian and I would debate and question and wrestle with all the things I so often do in my confused mind.   I often feel like I don't fit and struggle to accept many Christian beliefs that others see as absolute gospel...applaud the pun.

You already know my feeling on homosexuality and my belief that anything less than 100% acceptance, tolerance and equality is just a repeat of the terrible prejudice that have caused our world so much pain in all our history of hate, apartheid and elitism.   This doesn't sit well with many of my fellow clappers and it does make me question my authenticity as a 'real' Christian.   I am just not supposed to feel and question many things that I do and I actually envy others absolute 100% belief that the bible is the final word.

Of course the fact that we have 100's of different denominations all with their own interpretations doesn't help me much.  I go with my gut, my inner being where the Holy Spirit lives inside me.  I listen to people who have been Christians far longer than I have, full of wisdom with an incredible knowledge of the bible.  I want to believe all they say yet I just can't.  The God of my heart, the God of creation and world I live in just doesn't allow me to.  The bible you say?  I know!   I am supposed to believe it 100%, the final authority, the final word.   I love the bible, I love the way God uses it to speak to me so many times, to comfort and teach and show and counsel.  And yet...my biggest issue is as follows:

Heaven.  Who gets in and who doesn't?   According to the bible, only those who believe Jesus is the son of God, believe it and profess it, get in. The rest....sorry buddies, you all burn in hell.  In fact our recent discussion at our bible study was about the souls of those who were once Christians but have back slidden.   Take Joe Soap.   Joe went to a Christian youth camp and gave his life to Christ at age 15.  He was on fire for God and the happiest clapper you ever could find.   Joe is now 30.  Somewhere along the way he lost his passion for God, he stopped going to church.  He married, started a business and made all sorts of dodgy deals along the way.  He drinks too much and likes to slap his wife and kids around just to show who is boss.   Then we have Rabbi Goldstein.  He has served God faithfully all his life, he loves his wife and 5 kids and observes all the Jewish holidays and customs.    Nam Wadee is a Thai Buddist and lives in a country where 95% of his countrymen are Buddists.   He spends most of his days in silence and meditation, owns no possessions and observes all the practises of Buddhism with absolute unwavering dedication.   Lastly we have Fatima Kahn, a Muslim lady who makes local pastries and sells them to support a local orphanage where she has dedicated her life.  Her husband attends prayer at the crack of dawn each morning and their shop is closed each afternoon so they can pray to their merciful loving Allah.

So according to Christianity based on the bible, Joe gets in to heaven.  Once saved, always saved.  He spends eternity with God.  Rabbi, sorry.  He never professed or accepted Christ as God made man on earth.  My gentle kind peaceful Buddhist, nope, off to hell for him too.  Fatima who served the poor all her life and who loves Allah, no, turn left Fatima, you have to go to hell.   Really?   95% of Thai people are going to hell.  All the Muslims who many Christians believe are deceived and their religion demonic.  The faithful Jews, Gods own chosen people, also Left.   I can't, I can't believe it'.  So if the bible says we only get to the father through the son, then I have to believe that somewhere along the way on the big escalator up to heaven they meet Jesus.   I just can't accept that their religion isn't real, that their love for God is less sincere than my own or that they are loved less.    

PS:   As a Christian of almost 11 years I still feel amazed and blessed by the acceptance, love, grace and compassion of Jesus.  I never have to do anything or go anywhere to experience 100% fellowship with God...the cross has done it all for me.   I do want this same peace, love, acceptance and a 2nd chance for all I know and love.  If I could sum up Christinity and share the gosple in 1 easy step, I would sing  Amazing Grace to you.  As I cannot sing I leave you with this clip instead:   

 

Oh Baby!

I went on a BB visit with Tuli yesterday.  I  love going with my Tuli as Xhosa is her 1st language so it makes communication so much easier with the mothers who struggle in English.

It was quiet with very few mothers.  I am usually far more focused on the mothers than the babies but for some reason I had this lovely connection with these tiny brand new little people.  Their was one little one whose mother was in recovery and he was a few minutes old.  He looked like a little gorilla, a beautiful one of course.  Then he had his shots and was terribly upset.  So new and you already have to experience pain.  I could hold him tight and talk to him and sooth him which is such a lovely feeling.  I am good with babies.  I am not afraid or intimidated and somehow seem to have the ability to calm and secure.   I also got to dress another boytjie of 4.5 kg.  Big and strong and absolutely gorgeous with soft black curls and a little hollow in his temples perfect for kissing.  Last week I held my friend Mel's precious girlie Eden who is only 2.6 kg so its quite something when you feel the difference in your arms.  I also got to see friend Phil's baby boy Sam so have been pretty spoilt by meeting these little people with wise old eyes that seem to know many secrets of life before they even start.

I always feel priviledged to go to the hospital and I am glad that I get to stay connected to BB in this tiny way.  My adoption story is over and I am for the most part OK with it.  Holding these babies is just delicious and definately balm for this unfufilled want of mine.

Gorgeous big boy with Auntie Mel.

All going swimmingly...

God chats alot about the power of the tongue and speaking things as thought they were etc.  I try and do this, speak life as they say.  I am good about my kids but less so about my marriage and self.  Two Sundays ago I was in church and I had this thought/revelation/God moment as I was telling God that I was drowning.

You are not drowning, you are SWIMMING.   Swimming makes you stronger and sometimes life is easy and you get to float along and other times the current feels impossible.  I am always in the water with you so grab hold of the tube and cruise a bit when you get tired.  If you feel like you might go under just put up your hand and I will reach down and grab it and NEVER let you go.  Remember though,  panicking is when things get hairy and it is hard for me to keep you up while you flail about.  (think Baywatch)   Be calm and hold on and when you ready, start swimming again and I am right next to you in the water.  ALWAYS.

Divine hey!  This applies to all of us.   I feel better.  It was rough and I know I will have many more rapids to got through, currents, storms etc but I have Him.  And friends, and exercise, and chocolate and one day, therapy.   

So my speak life list...
I am determined as opposed to stubborn
I am slim and not skinny
I am driven and not obsessive
I am punctual and committed as opposed to anal
I am a questioning Christian as opposed to a rebellious one
I am a God chaser and not a Jesus freak
I am an encouraging mom and not a pushy one
I am not materialistic as opposed to stingy (not a good shopper, just not interested!)
I am self-reflective and not self-absorbed
I am calm and not anxious, I am calm and not anxious, I am calm and not anxious.  (OK a little lie but but I am a little calmer!)

Have a great weekend everyone. x

Swimming in Thailand in a very cold and rough river.  I just had to even though I knew it sounded better than it would feel.

Better the Aggie I know?

I lasted 8 days.  My previous attempt at an AD was only 2 so it is somewhat better.  I don't know why I have such a strong reaction despite an absolute minimal dose.   I was exhausted in the morning, had headaches, clenchy jaw, crampy feet and calves, dry mouth and irritable.  Not fun!   I specifically didn't google the drug before as I didn't want to imagine side effects.  The next drug prescribed was zopiclone which I did google.  NOT. 

I then called him to ask for something else that was not a sleeping tab.  He is going to skip the AD's and give me stress eaze (spelling?) which I just take if my Agatha anxiety is too much.  This might work.  Yesterday I was fairly OK so didn't pick up the script.  Today I had a call from a commissioning parent re work and I spoke too fast, I was sweating and heart racy and totally out of whack to a call that wasn't even difficult?   Mmmh, maybe I will get the stress eaze.

I must say after going off the drugs I felt MUCH better.  My old anxious self but at least familiar and doable.  I do feel less sore though even though I still haven't found a therapist.   Time and God, the healing partnership.  The previous therapist didn't work out.   I related to your comments re therapy.  I do feel self-absorbed by this which is embarrassing and so me-me-me.  I know my temporary wheels come off state has much to do with unresolved issues from 15 years ago.  I have blogged about my box before and have managed to keep all my shit there quite successfully.  Then the current drama which pushed old buttons and all that stuff resurfaced like a blocked loo that you flush.  Nice visual hey...old loo paper and poop!

I will get this all under control and if I do go on full medical aid next year, will think about that therapy option.  In the meantime I have discovered a Thai Spa in Somerset West with lovely, gentle Thai ladies who give amazing massages with sights, sounds and smells that take me back to my Thai holiday when everything was so peachy.  For an extra R80 you can even order Thai food for lunch!   I will consider that my therapy for now and hold out for summer and also the end of my renovations which I hope will be soon!

My mommy and me in Thailand.   I have decided in 2 years time (after we recover from the renovations!) I want to go to Thailand again with my family and hopefully meet Nina and her family.  Maybe even get the Analtynes to come!

6 days in and tempted to quit

Damn, I have had a bad 24 hours and I am tempted to quit my ADs.   Even though I know in my head that anti-depressants are not in fact happy pills I still naively wanted to feel happy instead of heavy.   My pill is called trazodone.   Many people start on 150mg and go up to about 350/375mg.   Hospitalised patients could go up to 800mg.  I am only on 50mg as I seem to be very chemical sensitive.

I take my pill at night and it totally knocks me out.  I feel like I have taken a sleeping tablet and I wake up groggy and tired.  I am blessed with being able to sleep well and usually wake up perky and ready to hit my day running.   My other symptoms are dry mouth and I am still folding my hands in against my body and I am hit with bouts of anxiety.   I do think the anxiety is less though but I don't like feeling tired.   The day before yesterday my jaw was clenchy band tight but yesterday less so.  Lets hope today it relaxes as it actually hurts from being so tight.  

So I know symptoms take time to dissapear and some never do so I will be sensible and give myself another 8 tabs so its 14 days in total.  I see my psyche in a months time to discuss what's happening.   My therapy session bombed as she had an issue with her phone and we didn't meet.   I should probably schedule another but will wait till a perkier day.   I guess the tabs are just to take the edge off and and the old cliche of time heals all wounds remains true.   I can't hurry past this, around it, ignore it.  It is what it is.  Sh*t happens, life happens and some times are crap and other times are good.   I will get out this funk and having summer around the corner is already an amazing literal light at the end of this tunnel.  Beach and braais and swimming with the kids and summer fruit and surfing and painted toes in pretty sandals will do the trick.  Yay!

Sad Sack Melanie Novitzkas with family in happier times

OCD friends needed

I have decided in order to pretend I have some semblance of control in my life, I am going to get organized.  I want tidy bedrooms.  Kitchen drawers that can be opened by anyone without me cringing in shame.   I want boxes and labels and order.    

We are finally coming to the end of the renovations.  I hesitate to say when but I am thinking by the end of September.  This means I will have a proper study.   So will Gary for all his crap.  I will have much more cupboard space.  Daniel will move out the TV room into his amazing teen pad that I wouldn't mind occupying myself.    I want a grown up house like Michelle and Vicky.  I want to know where everything is.  I want peace and order!

So, I have a few potential plans and you can tell me what you think.  Plan 1 is employ a professional but I could only have her for 3 hours and then would supposedly learn and do it myself.  (Potentially get bored and never do)   Or I take a weeks leave and not make any plans and do 2 rooms a day.  I would be ruthless and turf out.  Well I would try, hard!   Or I employ one of my OCD friends and get my helper to assist her and let them loose in my house for 3 days.  The problem is I wouldn't know where to find my stuff though.   And then she would see my hoarding tendencies.

Flip, I don't know.  Give me some tips, what to do?  I am feeling a little better btw.  The tabs knock me out but don't make me more anxious or have clenchy jaw or anything and I have taken 3.  I still feel anxious but a little less so.  I feel less fragile.  The situation still stinks and hurts but I know it isn't forever.  I really appreciate all my supportive friends, big kisses all round. xxx

Mission: Chill

So Agatha has been really fierce the whole week.  I was actually glad as you know how when you go off to the doc you suddenly feel better and wander why you went.   My heart just races from the second I open my eyes and I walk around saying it's OK, it's OK under my breath through out the day.  Ja, I agree, it does sound like I am losing my marbles.

The doc was rather handsome and seemed pretty clued up.  I have to admit thinking of all the Mr P house things I could buy for the R1135 I paid for the hour and how much better all that loot would have made me feel.  Yes I know, retail would simply be a temporary fix.   We had a good chat and I told him I am not depressed. I don't feel hopeless or bleak or guilty or suicidal or negative about my future.  I do know my feelings of sadness and loss and the rest that make up my current cocktail are relevant and realistic to my situation.  In time I will re-adjust to the current situation and deal with everything and find a new normal and a new happy.  What I really do know though, is my anxiety is way not normal and something needs fixing.  If someone hoots at me my heart races, the adrenalin shoots through my system and my legs feel like jelly.  If someone taps me on the arm and I don't see them I jump a mile.  Everything is fight or flight response.  He explained about GAD; generalised anxiety disorder.  My panic button is apparently stuck.  My heart beats too fast which explains how I breath fast and my mouth gets dry.  I am never without water.  The faster heart rate makes my blood more acidic which makes my heart beat fast and stimulates the panic response.  So basically I am stuck in this cycle and whenever something stressful happens, I over-react.   

He has given me a beta-blocker which only has a physiological effect and should slow my heart rate down.  Yesterday I took a quarter and it didn't help.  Half today seems to work better.  Then I start something else tonight which is supposedly low dose and should help re build my serotonin levels and calm me down to a panic.  I do love feeling driven and the energy that I have which allows me to achieve loads in just one day so I told him not too chilled pls.  Just normal, like normal busy minus the I'm OK mantra I have to repeat. 

I'm OK, I'm OK, I'm OK, it's OK, it's Ok, it's OK.  

I hope to give a good report on Monday.  I know it will take time and patience and waiting is not great for us hyper people but I will give it at least a week and hope I don't have too many adjustment problems or reactions.  

Hugs AND drugs

This morning at 7.45 I sat on my bed and wandered how I could do this whole day.   I had managed to send all 3 off to school dressed and eaten with lunch boxes and sports clothes packed.  I was even nice to all 3 and didn't snap and pretended to listen when they spoke to me.   This feels like a major achievement.  

And I have done an hours work so even though I sit here in my fave tatty gown, I guess I am doing this.  I do need help though and this is the week I will get it.   I wish I could find a place to be where I didn't see a soul.  Where food was passed in through a tray and I could just sleep and pray and sit.  I want to fold in on myself, to just curl up for a bit.   But hey, I am a mother and a wife and I have a life to live so option 2 involving others and chemical assistance will have to do.   

Last week I went to my hairdresser.   I sat there feeling like I couldn't even leave and she asked if I wanted a little white pill.   Yes pls, give me something.  I only took half as I thought I would be half sensible.  Taking a unknown pill is probably not that wise which means taking half is only 50% stupid I reckon.   I felt better, I really did.  She says they call it the 'Vokol voel pilletjie' which I guess would translate as the F-all feeling little pill.  The situation was the same but I felt calmer, I stopped squeezing myself and hunching my shoulders.  I went over to my friend, sat in her beanbag and found myself just yakking.   Drugs and beanbags...like a sixties therapy session.  

So tomorrow I see someone for a therpay session and Wednesday I see my new psychiatrist.  Me, I can't believe I will have a psychiatrist??   I just need those little pilletjies so I can not look forward to going to bed when I have only just woken up.  My friends have been amazing and so have my parent's friends.   Its good to know that my kids will be able to call on any of their aunties and uncles one day like I have been able to call on mine.   They are not even blood relatives but the bond is the same.  I have the hugs, I have God with all the wisdom and compassion but I don't seem to have any serotonin left which should hopefully be rectified soon.   2 more restless sleeps!

Just not good company right now.

I haven't been a very entertaining blogger of late.  The problem of a known blog is that much of the real stuff and deep emotions cannot be mentioned because other people are involved.   An anon blog must be great..letting it all hang out and getting brutally honest.

Am I being all annoying and cryptic here?   Sorry again.  Suffice to say I am going through some painful issues right now that I need to work through.  I am struggling to be flippant or lah lah lah.  Its amazing how emotional pain, grief, stress etc manifests physically.  I ache.  My back, my head, my teeth, even my eyeballs hurt.   I have decided to be a big girl and go and see someone.   I have only ever been to therapy once about 15 years ago.  In the end I decided shopping would make me feel much better and opted for retail instead.   In hindsight this current situation has brought back all the unresolved pain and issues from 15 years ago so maybe its time.  Time to deal with the past and the present.  I have always been one to move on and make the most of what life throws at me but right now I do need some help and fresh neutral insight.

As for drugs, you know how I feel about those but I also know with renovating and this situation and normal life issues my serotonin is practically non-existent so perhaps I can find something short term to take the edge off.  Feck, its damn hard being grown up!   Thank God for my faith.  Thank you God for walking with me every day, for extra when I am less.   I want to crawl into my bed and spoon with Him and just hide away for a bit.  Tomorrow, I will hide a little tomorrow while the kids are at school.

PS:   Gary being winner husband.  Woolies large bag chuckles/maltezers, hugs and listening to me as I talk things through.

My own peg letter

Last year one of my BF's lost her brother-in-law totally unexpectedly at age 35.   It took her own husband weeks to sort out his affairs and try and help his sister and nephew.  It got me thinking about what I would do if Gary had to die and how little I know about stuff.  He hates anything remotely morbid so it took much nagging   persuading to get him to write out a whole long list explaining policies and work stuff and wishes etc.   I promised not to read it and it lives in the safe in a sealed envelope.  I hope to only open it when I am in my eighties or I might even duck before he does.

I have recently been through a situation that has literally shaken my core and got me looking at things in a new light minus the rose tinted glasses.  I am going to get all my docs looked at to see if I would be OK should the sh*t ever hit the fan.  I would like a anti-sh*t raincoat.  Now I promise not to get cynical but I also don't want to live in naive lah-lah land.   It has also reminded me that I have never written my own peg letter.  I did fill out my organ card just before I flew which did give me pause for thought.  People think if you write a will or peg letter you are tempting fate.   I have God and not fate and He knows when its time for me to go so I think I will rather be prepared and spare my family unnecessary grief and stress.  I am not afraid of death, standing before God and experiencing love in its purest form.  Leaving my family would suck so lets hope my children are over 50 already with their own families.

I will obviously write Gary a private and detailed letter so will just share a few with you:
Switch me off if I am brain dead.  (Give me a week or so just in case!)
I want to donate all my organs and they can use the rest of me for medical research.  Once they are totally done my ashes can be scattered at Bikini Beach on a windless day.
I don't want a tombstone but I would love a bench on my fave mountain where I walk.
Anything I might own must be divided amongst my 3 kids.  Whatever they don't want has to be donated and not sold.
I know Amazing Grace is somewhat of a cliche song but I still want it at my service.   
If I do die before my kids are grown up it would suck HORRIBLY but I wouldn't want Gary to be alone forever.  You all have to make sure she treats my kids well.  And doesn't sleep in my bed.  And doesn't expect them to call her Mom.   Mmmh, not loving this thought.
And the au pair...make sure she isn't too hot.  Kind, clever and loving but not too young or perky.
The who gets the kids stuff if we both die is a whole other issue.  I think I just can't die young.  It doesn't suit.  I will have to be in my eighties and with any luck, see my one of my grandkids get married.

Hope I got you thinking about yours!